


to my next step

by xiajin



Category: GOT7
Genre: Actor!Jinyoung, Alternate Universe, Arranged Marriage, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Insecurity, M/M, Slow Burn, but also?, idol!jaebeom, strangers to best friends to lovers, we got married!au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:47:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 32,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25005649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiajin/pseuds/xiajin
Summary: for jinyoung, whose acting career has been plummeting, a show likewe got married!is a publicity ploy to garner attention.show them who park jinyoung is, his manager says.make them love you!but that's just the problem, isn't it? people fall in love with his acting. not him.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Comments: 97
Kudos: 335





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> tags updated as i go. note the explicit rating. still not sure of the total chapter count as of yet. 
> 
> the concept of the korean reality show "we got married" is to place two celebrities together in a "marriage" of sorts. they're given missions to complete as a couple every week while the camera is rolling. these missions have ranged from going places overseas or simple things, like writing each other cards. at some point in the show, couples have a wedding photoshoot and "get" a house together (usually from the producers, not really belonging to them). it's an interesting show for many reasons, not just for it's blatant romance-baiting. give it a watch! 
> 
> [this fic has a playlist of songs i listened to while writing, if you want to listen!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7h7vkuJc9fsel59R82Ys6g?si=wP1-ARspS06w6buqOYuNZg)

_dear my next step,  
_ _please take care of me._

20150706, tablo. 

/

“so,” begins jackson, placing a hand on jinyoung’s shoulder as their manager closes the door to his car, “do you know what this meeting is going to be about?”

jinyoung fiddles with the edge of his blue overcoat, wishing that it was a little thicker. this year’s autumn was way too short, he thinks to himself, and he wishes that there had been more time to appreciate the soothing, warm atmosphere. the last two months since his birthday has been a blur.

“no idea,” he says instead of what he really thinks.

jackson nods, leaning back and placing his headphones in. he’s nervous. jackson always maintains a low level of chatter, especially if jinyoung is in the same car with him. for jackson to be keeping to himself, he’s either hiding something from jinyoung that he knows he’d immediately spill if he were to press the topic, or he’s nervous. since jinyoung hasn’t seen jackson in over two weeks, it has to be the latter.

“hyung,” jinyoung starts, catching his manager’s attention, “what is this meeting about?”

“well, it’s only for you, jinyoung-ah,” their manager says while making a right turn. “jackson, you’re going in because the creative director wants to talk to you about a possible new album.”

jackson’s face lightens up at the prospect of creating a new album entirely. jinyoung is glad for him. at their late-night dinners, jackson gets four drinks in him and suddenly, he’s morose about his credibility as an artist. jinyoung has spent way too many hours patting jackson’s back as the other chokes through tears and frustration, wondering why their director _won’t give me a chance, jinyoung-ah, i can do it. i can be better_.

he meets jackson’s eyes now, smiling at him widely. “this is great news,” he says, hushed. their manager is speaking on the phone, unable to hear them for now.

“if i really do get to write my own album,” jackson begins, gaze bright, “you know that you’ll be featured on it, right? there’s no way that i’m not dragging you along to sing at least _one_ song.”

the consideration warms jinyoung. “i’m an actor, seunie. i don’t think i should necessarily be singing anything – “

“nonsense,” jackson scoffs. “you have a great voice.”

“well,” jinyoung clears his throat and looks back down at his lap. even if no one else believes him, at least jackson does, and that’s really all jinyoung needs. “let’s see what happens.”

stuck in the cycling excitement of a possible comeback for jackson, especially one that would be orchestrated by jackson himself, jinyoung doesn’t remind the other that he’ll be going off into a meeting on his own. the back of his neck feels warm the closer they get to the entertainment building. he’s been signed onto the company for nearly ten years now, active for six. jinyoung knows that his contract is about to end next year, and even if he wants to stay with jyp, there’s no guarantee that jyp would want to stick with him. and if he doesn’t have jyp, who else would want him? a singer-actor who has never had one successful song or comeback, who never had a hit show or movie? at this age, who would still take him?

he grows quiet and slightly sullen, staring out the window at the passing scenery. he recognizes when he gets closer to jyp by the familiar buildings that pass them by. it’s one of the quietest rides that jinyoung has ever been on, since jackson is still typing furiously on his phone.

jinyoung hides his face as jackson puts on a black mask and a baseball cap that they keep in the car. while not making headlines, jackson is still much more popular than jinyoung is, and more likely to get recognized and ambushed on the street. jinyoung heads inside first without their manager, standing at the side as jackson shows his id card and heads inside as well.

once he’s there, though, he takes his mask off immediately. their manager gently pushes jackson to toward the elevators. “go on,” he says encouragingly, “i texted you the room and who you’ll be meeting. we should be back within the hour, but it might run on longer. remember your diet if you want to eat anything, text me if there’s problems.”

“you got it, hyung,” jackson says, even though he’s looking at jinyoung while he says it. he gives a little wink, his way of telling jinyoung to calm down and not freak out, before heading toward the elevators.

their meeting is on the second floor, so they take the stairs. as jinyoung fiddles with the buttons of his coat and makes sure that he has all his possessions in his bag, he can’t help but ask, “what’s this meeting about, hyung?”

his manager is quiet for a while, unwilling to look at jinyoung, and something cold settles over him.

when they’re walking down the hallway, his manager finally sighs and turns to place a hand on his shoulder. “i – i honestly don’t know, jinyoung-ah. some of the directors and managers wanted to speak to you. i don’t think it’s anything bad, since you’re one of my least problematic people,” he says wryly. “but i honestly don’t know. maybe they want to give you another album.”

“but i haven’t come out with anything in three years,” jinyoung says, confused. “and – and if they were, why wouldn’t they ask me to see the creative director, like jackson – “

“it was just a guess,” manager hyung says, sighing. he reaches up to squeeze the bridge of his nose. “i really don’t know. but don’t panic, okay, jinyoung-ah? let’s go inside.”

jinyoung and his manager are the last to arrive, but no one seems to take it in bad faith. jinyoung chooses the least conspicuous seat out of the entire table, somewhere near the back but also in a corner, so he can’t be seen easily. there’s a couple of other people here, some of whom jinyoung recognizes – another guy that jinyoung’s manager surprisingly hugs and talks to fondly, a sharply dressed woman, and one of the PR directors.

“park jinyoung,” the director starts, smiling. “nice to meet you again. now that we’re all here, why don’t we get started?” at jinyoung’s quiet, tight nod, he smiles a little. “ah, jinyoung-ah, don’t worry so much. we have a proposition for you,” he adds at the end, turning to the man that manager hyung had been greeting. jinyoung’s eyes flit between the executives in front of him, wondering what they have in store for him.

/

the drive back is quiet. jackson opted to get dinner with the creative director and some of his seniors, which surprised neither jinyoung or their manager. jinyoung spots his manager shifting over to look at him from time to time, especially since jinyoung is sitting in the back seat. he won’t meet his eyes.

“i can’t tell if you’re upset or not,” his manager jokes. jinyoung presses his lips together further. a sigh. “jinyoung-ah, please, say something.”

“what can i say?” he snaps suddenly, blinking at the passing trees. “i’m not popular, so they’re going to throw me to a show where i have to pretend to be in love with someone else? play up how sad and lonely i am until i – “

“ _jinyoung_ ,” his manager cuts in, a little stern. “you know that’s not what it is. there’s been a lot of popular stars that have gone on _we got married._ and this is a good chance for you to get some exposure, show everyone your personality.”

jinyoung grits his teeth, but his shoulders slump. manager hyung reads him correctly, that he’s working away at jinyoung’s defenses, because his voice is kind when he speaks to jinyoung next. “and what’s so different about this compared to being in a drama, huh? you’re still going to be acting. it might even be easier, since you don’t have to pretend to be someone else.”

that’s the problem, jinyoung thinks. they don’t want the audience to love a character jinyoung portrays, they want the audience to love jinyoung himself. and he isn’t too confident that they will.

/

it’s incredibly difficult to get a spot on such a famous show like _we got married_ , they tell jinyoung. the show had been looking for people to fit their new concept for their ninth season: idols, singers, dancers and actors that were not as well known. they wanted to vie for an underdog story. they had enough of a following and enough popularity to afford pulling off such a concept. there’s no guarantee that jinyoung will be a permanent guest on the show, since he might not get along with his fake wife or husband, but just a couple of episodes would be enough.

jinyoung has two weeks before shooting begins. his manager recommends that he watch a couple of episodes to get an idea of what’s going to happen. jinyoung makes it through three episodes of season three, one of the older ones and the most popular on the forum that he finds online, before he quits watching. in the privacy of his tiny studio apartment in seoul, jinyoung settles down and has a panic attack.

but he’s first and foremost a professional, even if no one is around to see it, so he picks himself up and breathes through the anxiety wracking through him. he calls jackson a couple times, immediately spilling the beans about his future television appearance, and gets mildly happier when jackson screeches and comes over the next day with beer and fried chicken. they get drunk and watch an entire season of _wgm_ sprawled over jinyoung’s couch, which is much more palatable when jinyoung is intoxicated and subject to jackson’s amazing commentary.

“i’ll watch every episode you’re on,” jackson mumbles as he’s about to pass out. “no matter how good or bad it is, i’ll watch. i’ll put it on my insta!”

“please don’t,” jinyoung snorts, mind spinning. filming starts next week, and he still doesn’t know – “i don’t know who i’m getting married to.” he says out loud, blinking at his ceiling, wondering when he fell down on the floor. jackson mumbles something. “seriously. i dunno know it is…manager-hyung won’t say anything.”

“what?” jackson asks blearily, turning over to squint at jinyoung. “you’re speakin’ in dialect, again.” jackson isn’t the best at following him when he does.

jinyoung waves him away and pulls himself up to his bed, snuggling into his pillows. he throws one down for jackson, followed by a blanket because he’s a nice person, and finds himself immediately knocking out.

/

it’s almost 9 am when jinyoung finally makes it to hair and makeup. the staff there immediately eye him down, taking note of his slacks and sleek loafers, before clicking their tongues and dragging him into a room. jinyoung barely grabs onto his phone before they take his bag away, settling it in the corner.

“ah, you have such nice features,” one of the stylists sighs, reaching forward to dab bb cream on his face. “and your skin is really nice too. you must take care of it well.”

“i do,” he says awkwardly. he hadn’t been so great at it at first, but then it became another part of his daily routine.

“your hair is so nice too! all black, no pierced ears or tattoos to cover up…” the stylist pulls away from him and looks over at the hairdresser. “i think that we should keep him as natural as possible. he looks great just as he is, we can go for the pure and natural concept. let’s keep it refreshing,” he says. with a wave of his hand, the hairstylist and make-up artist start to fill in the blank spaces the main stylist had left behind.

“ah, your hair _is_ really nice,” the hairstylist says. jinyoung meets his eye in the mirror and notes how tall he is, with silvery hair that curls around sweet features. a pretty silver earring dangles from his left ear. “i wish i could color it. have you ever dyed your hair before?”

“only once,” jinyoung says. “but it was brown. i had a perm before, though.”

“yugyeom-ah, don’t make him talk too much, or else i can’t do my job,” the make-up artist says disapprovingly. “hold on, i need to get something from the other room. don’t touch your face!” jinyoung would be offended at how stern the other is, if it weren’t for the bright wide smile he had gotten right before the guy turned tail and ran out.

“don’t mind youngjae-hyung, he’s like that but he means well,” yugyeom hums, dampening jinyoung’s hair with a wet spray before combing through it with a brush. the movement is familiar and soothing, sending tingles throughout his scalp. despite himself, jinyoung finds that he’s already relaxing back into the chair. “are you excited for the show? you’re going to get married today!”

it had been a point that jinyoung had been avoiding thinking about. after his night with jackson, jinyoung didn’t want to confront the reason why he felt so uncomfortable at the thought of filming a fake relationship on television. he doesn’t want to talk about it with a stranger, either, but something about yugyeom’s wide open and sincere expression gives jinyoung pause. he’s relaxed for the first time in days, and it’s quiet inside the makeup room. “i guess so. i’ve never met the other person.”

“i’m sure he’s nice,” yugyeom offers, reaching over to grab a blow-dryer.

jinyoung blinks, looking at yugyeom in the mirror. “i never said it was a guy.”

he watches the way yugyeom freezes. “ah, shit.”

“what did you do?” the main stylist says as he heads back inside, looking unimpressed. clothes are draped across his forearm in shades of brown and white, appropriate fall colors. yugyeom is backing up now, stuttering.

“i’m getting a husband today, apparently,” jinyoung says, even though the words feel foreign in his mouth.

the main stylist immediately glares at yugyeom, who whines, “aw bam, c’mon! it just slipped, and he picked up on it really quickly.”

“it’s okay,” jinyoung rushes to add, turning around in his seat to face the stylist – bam? – and eyes the way yugyeom looks like a kicked puppy. “i’m kind of glad he let it slip. my manager wouldn’t tell me anything at all, and… in all honesty, it’s been making me nervous.”

“see, bambam,” yugyeom mumbles underneath his breath, just as jinyoung sees something soften in bambam’s eyes. “not a big deal, anyway.”

“we were supposed to keep quiet to help make the reaction as organic as possible,” the stylist, bambam, says it as if he’s reading off of a cue card. jinyoung wouldn’t put it past the show’s director’s to do just that. sneaking a peek jinyoung’s way, the tall male groans. “we only met him because he was here earlier than you and got ready first. his hair and makeup team wasn’t available, so we took over.”

“his hair and makeup team?”

“that’s right,” yugyeom pipes in, “because we’re officially yours, at least for the near future. nice to meet you, park jinyoung- _ssi_ , i’m kim yugyeom.” he finishes it off with a shy smile, revealing white teeth.

“i’m bambam, your main stylist,” the taller one says. he doesn’t look korean, and there’s a slight accent on his words, but jinyoung can tell that bambam knows what he’s doing. “we have one more person here, youngjae-hyung, but i think he – “

“i’m back!” a loud voice chirps from the door. he’s not holding anything special, but jinyoung had been expecting a makeup box or a face mask, not a white take out cup. this must be youngjae, jinyoung surmises, who beams at jinyoung. he reminds one of an over-excited puppy. “here!” he hands over the cup to jinyoung, who takes it with surprise.

“what is this?”

“a dark milk tea,” youngjae says, already turning to the makeup table. “to help you calm down a little.”

jinyoung smiles, touched by the sentiment, even though he’s not that big of a tea drinker. the dark chocolate is bittersweet and thick in his throat, but it’s offset by the milk tea. it’s iced, too, which jinyoung didn’t think he would particularly like, but it works well with the drink. he can’t take more than a couple sips of it, though, and leans back as youngjae begins to talk a little bit about how he had gone out to grab some of his cushions that he swore worked better than others, when he had come across a coffee truck out in front and decided to get jinyoung one, since he looked quite anxious.

jinyoung can’t imagine how kind someone has to be to buy a drink for someone he doesn’t even know, but yugyeom and bambam just stare at youngjae as if they expect this of him. jinyoung waits patiently as yugyeom and youngjae finish up with him, tousling his fair into fluffy waves that rest over his forehead. his mouth is reddened slightly, makeup so slight that it looks like there’s nothing there. even his dark circles have disappeared.

“perfect,” yugyeom sighs, running his fingers through jinyoung’s hair one more time in glee. “if only we could pierce your ears, it would be so nice – “

jinyoung raises one hand to his ears self-consciously. it’s always been something he’s overly aware of, his large ears. he’d pushed back on piercing his ears just so that they wouldn’t get more attention, and he constantly tries to keep the sides of his hair long so they’d look smaller.

“stop molesting his hair and admiring your own work,” bambam shoos yugyeom away, who follows the sound youngjae’s loud, boisterous laughter. “here, wear this.”

it’s nearing ten am at that point, and jinyoung knows he has to be at the filming site by 11:30. he changes into a pair of jeans that are comfortable to the touch and a white bulky knit sweater, accessorized by a long grey coat with shiny black buttons. jinyoung is removing dust and threat off of the shoulder of the coat when he steps out to face bambam’s critical eye.

“good,” he says, “but give me a minute.”

bambam folds up the jeans so his ankles are exposed to the wind. he places two gold rings, one on jinyoung’s middle finger and another on his pinky, and a grey leather watch with a gold edge. youngjae hands over a new side bag, this one made of brown leather. it feels substantially heavy when jinyoung holds onto it, and he peeks inside to see that his things are already neatly packed away inside.

“you look good,” bambam finally says, grinning. it makes him look younger. “alright, see you around. good luck, park jinyoung- _ssi_.”

“thanks,” jinyoung says quietly, as youngjae and yugyeom wave at him as he leaves.

his manager gives him an up-down before simply saying, “you look nice. those kids handed me your clothes, so i’ll keep them in the car.”

“where are we going?”

“the writers of the show said that they chose a place based on what you and your future partner wrote as an ideal first date. it must be something that would meet both of you in the middle,” is what his manager says vaguely. he’s smiling supportively, motioning for jinyoung to sit and not feel so anxious. “game face on, jinyoung-ah.”

jinyoung tries to recall what he had written for the on that questionnaire he had gotten two weeks ago. his own ideal first date would have been a bike ride, maybe, near the river. when it’s warm, and the air tastes distinctly salty. he would see the way the light glints off of the edge of the water, read a book, talk for ages. jinyoung, over all, wants someone to talk to.

he doesn’t remember what he had written on the form. something like, _a date in a café_. something cliché, something that everyone likes to watch. no one would want to watch him staring off at the ocean or dipping his feet in water, talking about what dramas he likes to watch.

his manager wishes him good luck as they leave the car. jinyoung nods and says his hellos to the director first and foremost, then the staff and crew. his manager disappears between the crowd of people dressed in dark, unnoticeable colors. the director is a woman with a kind face, and she reaches out to shake jinyoung’s hand. he bows during their introduction.

“that’s where your first meeting, and first date, will be.” she nods her head to the café that they were standing outside of, tucked away in a small corner of the street. the cameras and equipment garner a couple of interested looks, but there’s not enough people to cause a commotion. so he had been right.

“we’re going to start filming, now,” she says. “just do your best. we’ll have a recording session later after the whole thing with questions and comments on the day.” she holds up a fist in support, going back to direct where all of her staff should go. “remember, act natural! pretend like the cameras aren’t even here!”

at least _this_ he can do, jinyoung thinks, taking a deep breath. he heads down the street and waits for his signal to begin walking.

it feels awkward now, just walking down the street with no music or background noise to accompany him, the feeling of everyone’s eyes on him, but jinyoung pushes through it and pretends like he’s on set. that this is just another drama, just – just a little bit closer to home, is all. like a cameo of himself in a particularly popular show.

jinyoung reaches the filming crew and when he meets the cameraman’s eyes, he can’t help but break into an embarrassed smile. he bows to all of them in hello, shuffling a little. “hi,” he says, turning this way and that, flittering in front of the café. the camera man reaches out to hand him a little white envelope. “ah, what’s this? a mission?”

the envelope reads, _order a drink that you think your partner would like._ “but i don’t know who they are,” jinyoung says, staring at the filming crew. “how will i – am i supposed to guess?” some of the staff nod, looking amused. jinyoung huffs out a laugh which isn’t too fake. “how will they know who i am? or how will i know who they are?”

he’s told to head inside. jinyoung falters in front of the cashier, staring up at the menu. his eyes skip over all the different options. choice anxiety looms at him until jinyoung sees the selection of teas.

“dark chocolate milk tea, please,” he asks. “hot.” because it’s starting to turn chilly outside, and jinyoung wants to be warm.

there’s barely anyone in the café. it might have been cleared out for the show, or the hour is just slow for business. jinyoung isn’t sure. between the patrons that _are_ inside the café, jinyoung mentally crosses out any of the women sitting around. that leaves around three people left; one guy sitting near the window with his laptop out and papers spread out all across him, another sitting near the back with his phone in his hands, and another with a book. jinyoung actually recognizes the book – it’s one that he read a couple weeks ago himself. for a moment, he thinks that this may be him, his future fake husband.

but then his eyes go back to the man on his phone, running a hand through his long black hair, the light glinting off of his nose ring. something in his stomach tugs at him, whispering _that one that one that one_.

he takes the drink and ignores, to the best of his ability, the cameras that are around him. they’ve snuck into every corner and crevice, no doubt, but if jinyoung can’t see them then it’s like they’re not here, right?

the other looks up to meet jinyoung’s eyes just as he stops in front of the table, his mouth curling up into a smile. something about him is so familiar, jinyoung thinks.

“hi,” says the man, standing up to reach out a hand. “you’re my husband, right?”

it’s jarring to hear, first of all. it’s not a title that jinyoung thought he’d be hearing for himself in the near future, so when answering, he’s left flustered. “yes, i’m – i’m park jinyoung, nice to meet you.” jinyoung bows almost instinctively, tense and awkward, not really realizing that the other also bows at the same time while saying, “i’m lim jaebeom – “ and they knock heads together.

“ow, ow,” jinyoung pulls back immediately, holding a hand to his temple. the pain had been sudden. he sets down the drink he had gotten, the mug of dark chocolate milk tea, and blinks away the sudden stars in his eyes. “sorry, are you hurt?”

“no, i’m sorry, do you have a bump on your head - ?”

jaebeom’s hands reach out to pull jinyoung’s away from his forehead, his thumb rubbing against the spot very briefly. it’s a quick touch, clinical enough to make sure that jinyoung isn’t hurt too badly. jaebeom’s hands fall away the next moment.

they stand, staring at each other for a moment.

“that wasn’t awkward at all,” jaebeom says suddenly, and jinyoung finds himself smiling, even if it is addled with a touch of unease.

jinyoung finds himself settling down in the table and chair across from jaebeom. he’s pulling at the threads of the white sweater bambam put him into, staring down at the tea in front of him.

that reminds him, actually, of why he had gotten it in the first place. “i got this mission card from the crew,” jinyoung sets the card in front of him. meeting jaebeom’s eyes is a little difficult, although jinyoung can’t say for sure why. he’s glad that sometimes the other’s fringe lets him stare at the space right between his eyes without getting caught. “and they asked me to get a drink that i thought you’d like. so i got this one. it’s a dark chocolate milk tea.”

“really?”

jaebeom’s query is one of genuine surprise; jinyoung sees it in the way that the other’s smile disappears. idols, celebrities – they always remember to smile. “that’s actually my favorite. how did you know?”

“i – i just guessed,” jinyoung replies, dumbfounded.

“i mean, i guessed too – i got a vanilla latte?”

“that’s,” jinyoung balks at the other, “that’s _my_ favorite.”

jaebeom laughs, now, a touch of amusement in his voice that covers up incredulity well. “no way? really? you don’t have to be nice to me, you know.”

“no, it really is.” jinyoung pulls out his phone, going back to his instagram and pulling out one of the rare photos that he posts. it’s dated back to last year. “it’s my favorite coffee, i always get it when i’m at a café if i can. see?” he waves his phone in jaebeom’s face.

he doesn’t expect the other to grab hold of his wrist to stop the errant movement, holding it steady in front of jaebeom’s face. “oh, huh. is that your sister?”

jinyoung snatches his hand back, closing his phone screen. “yeah,” he says. “i’m the youngest of three siblings. two older sisters.”

“i’m an only child,” jaebeom says. “wait, then how old are you?”

“twenty-four.”

“ah,” jaebeom starts, his mouth quirking up a little in a lopsided smile that makes his eyes curve into crescents. “i’m your _hyung_ , then.”

jinyoung isn’t quite sure why he says it, then, why the words that first touch the tip of his tongue are, “guess you’ll have to prove it, then,” when he should be saying something like _oh, should i call you hyung, then?_ or _haha, i guess so_. it leaves them both surprised, staring at each other from across the table. jinyoung pushes the milk tea he ordered toward jaebeom.

/

_could you tell us a bit about yourself?_

sure, i guess. um, my name is lim jaebeom, or if we’re going by my stage name, jb. i’m twenty four, and i’ve been a singer for… i don’t know, it’s been about almost six years now? i produce songs in my free time, too.

_were you surprised when you met new husband?_

a little. i didn’t expect someone so good looking, haha.

_was he your type?_

um… this is embarrassing. do i really have to say it?

_you got each other your favorite drink! that almost seemed like fate._

it was definitely weird. maybe a coincidence? or – yeah, fate. i don’t really know… it just seemed like the best option. i promise i didn’t know who i was going to marry! my manager kept it from me. in fact, almost everyone i know kept it from me. i guess we were just on the same wavelength.

_do you think you guys will have a happy married life?_

well, i sure hope so.

/

“ _so,_ ” jackson says, his voice breaking up over the phone. “ _how was the shooting? how was the guy?_ who _is the guy? did you look him up after you left the shooting? did you guys exchange numbers?_ ”

jinyoung is perusing through a take-out menu, wondering which place he’ll grab food from now. a recent shoot he’s done for a fashion magazine has given him some money to live off of, so he can afford to not try his hand at cooking (which never really ends well 60% of the time).

“it went fine,” jinyoung places in his order through an app on his phone, opening up a can of sparkling berry water to sip from. he can’t have any alcohol right now, since he’s still set to shoot for that magazine. just treating himself out for chicken today is pushing the limits of what will make him bloated in the morning. “he was nice. we were a little awkward for a while, but the producers told me that’s how all first meetings are like. i gave him my number.”

“ _i’m glad,_ ” jackson says after a brief pause. “ _you know, that he’s not an asshole. but who_ is _it?_ ”

“a singer, lim jaebeom – not the older one. he said his stage name is jb.” jinyoung takes away that extra order of pickled radishes. he doesn’t need that. the amount they send for free will have to tide him over for now.

“ _jaebeom-hyung?_ ”

this gives jinyoung pause. “you know him?”

“ _jinyoungie, he’s under jyp. he produced one of my songs before! i’m pretty sure i’ve mentioned you to him._ ”

to be fair to jinyoung, jackson’s got a lot of people he talks about. if jinyoung were to keep a mental track of who worked for who, he would be stuck in his home all day. wisely, he doesn’t mention this to jackson. “no, guess i forgot. how come i’ve never seen him around?”

“ _beats me. that’s interesting, jaebeom-hyung never mentioned that he was going on the show._ ”

bitterly, jinyoung snorts. “well, seunie, i wouldn’t have told you either, but i’m pretty sure you’d beat it out of me. it’s not exactly something i’d go home telling my parents about. _hi, mom, did you see my new show? no, it’s not a drama, i’m actually pretending to be married because i can’t do anything else with my life._ ”

jackson stays quiet for a moment as jinyoung continues to scroll through the e-book he’s downloaded on his phone, filtering the words but not really reading them. he just needs something to do while talking to jackson, is all.

“ _she wouldn’t actually say that,_ ” jackson points out. right, jinyoung thinks, because jackson knows that his mom wouldn’t be around to say anything either way. “ _besides, there’s nothing wrong with the show. if anything, it’s showing the whole world the real jinyoungie!_ ”

“right,” jinyoung mutters.

“ _have you texted or talked to jaebeom-hyung? now that i think about it, you two suit each other pretty well. i think the producers made a good match!_ ”

“no,” jinyoung says. “he seems nice, but not date-nice. and i’m not looking to date anyway.”

“ _good. you’re married, you shouldn’t be dating around._ ”

“jackson.”

“ _kidding_ ,” jackson cackles. “ _or am i? are you? don’t glare at me, jinyoung, i can feel it through the phone. alright, fine, i have to go since manager-hyung is telling me we need to get a move on. i’ll come over for the premiere of the new season, beers on me. we can make fun of the show again, but this time with the added pleasure of you in it!”_

“bye,” he deadpans, ending the call before jackson can make his headache worse.

/

jinyoung hates the fact that they have to film once a week, and that the filming cuts close to when the episode is actually aired. it means that jinyoung doesn’t get to film everything all at once and then wait for the results. he’s in a constant state of stress just thinking about it. in addition to some of the modelling work he does in between, jinyoung sleeps all day, blasts music in his tiny studio apartment when he’s not reading his book of the week, visits his therapist when he has to, and watches a lot of dramas that he doesn’t star in.

jackson invites himself over for the premiere but doesn’t bring beer, since jinyoung has to go to and film the very next day. instead, he hauls in a pack of variety milk. jinyoung nabs a banana flavored one and opens a bag of shrimp chips and home run balls to snack on. his stomach isn’t going to be happy with him later.

jackson comments on jinyoung’s parts as much as he does with all the other couples, who definitely have much better first meetings than he and jaebeom. one couple meet at an amusement park, at a ferris wheel; another finds each other at the beach. jinyoung watches that couple pityingly. at least he had been inside, away from the cold breeze.

his own first date with jaebeom is toted around as a meeting of soulmates. jackson screams silly in his ear when jinyoung and jaebeom knock heads like the idiots they are. on screen, they look at each other for a long minute; after editing, jaebeom checking his head for injuries is cute, instead of awkward and embarrassing. jinyoung is quiet through the whole thing, watching himself from others eyes, noting how tense his shoulders are, how he can’t look jaebeom in the eye. how it _digs_ at him, being there.

it’s interspersed with the one on one interviews they do. they play up jinyoung’s camera smile, the one that perfectly shows off his teeth and minimizes the wrinkles around his eyes. they show jaebeom, with his glinting ear piercings, his hair tied back.

“you’re definitely his ideal type,” jackson muses as he throws back a chocolate milk the way he would a beer. he has no schedules for tomorrow, but jackson is the definition of a loyal friend, and he won’t drink if jinyoung isn’t drinking. “i can vouch for that. also, look at how embarrassed he is!”

“jackson,” jinyoung starts tiredly for what seems like the 10th time that night, “we’re saying it for the cameras. you remember that part, right? that it’s all show and no substance?”

“how’d you know his favorite drink, jinyoungie?” jackson frowns over him, paying no attention to what jinyoung is saying. “how did he know _yours_?”

“i have a faint idea.” youngjae springs to memory. jinyoung isn’t quite sure how to feel about it.

“dammit, it ended. what did you guys do after?”

he sighs. “talked to the producers, said goodbye to each other.”

“no goodbye hug? no instant connection? you didn’t get lunch or dinner together?”

“i wasn’t hungry,” jinyoung argues. “and if we could at least be friends for most of the show, or until the end of it, i’d be satisfied.”

jackson shrugs, but reaches over to wrap an arm around jinyoung’s shoulders when the commercials come on. “those are famous last words, jinyoung-ah.” rolling his eyes, jinyoung pushes him away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no shoes were harmed in the making of this chapter ft grouchy jinyoung and jaebeom who realizes _oh shit his laugh is cute_

_if the ocean can calm itself, so can you.  
we are both salt water mixed with air. _

nayyirah waheed.

/

jinyoung is late in the morning, having slept a little too long after a belly full of food. his face feels puffy, he hasn’t been able to go through his skin care routine, and his manager is dragging him out of the house before jinyoung’s brain has a chance to come back online. he hears the other say something like _for god’s sake, these kids_ and jinyoung has to pat himself down to make sure that he still has his phone. thankfully, he’s awake enough to wash his face and put on a sweater and a nice pair of jeans before he stumbles into his manager’s car.

it is insistently sunny these days, not a sight of autumn rain in sight. jinyoung would feel a little bitter about it if he had the chance – the weather seems to be fine in clutching onto past vices, but the rest of them are expected to move on. the thought is eerily pessimistic, even for him, who doesn’t understand why he feels so belligerent at something as stupid as the weather. the dry, sunny days bring causes sweat to pool at the back of his neck as he insistently wears thick material outside. often times, he’s late solely because it takes time for his carefully crafted image to settle in.

and _because_ he’s late today for not waking up on time, and truthfully not all mentally there, jinyoung barely gets a moment to ask youngjae what he really wants to ask: namely, how did youngjae know what his first mission was, how did he know jaebeom’s favorite drink, and how did he know jinyoung would order the same thing in the store? also, did he pull the same trick on jaebeom? also –

bambam has him dolled up in a button up black shirt tucked into pinstriped slacks and a beige trench coat. he notices the way jinyoung blinks sleep slowly out of his eyes and demands that jinyoung put on his glasses to complete the look. he even offers to give jinyoung a fake pair, but jinyoung hates wearing his glasses normally, forget fake ones; this one rare day is a product of his hasty morning movements, his contacts abandoned on a bathroom corner. yugyeom works his weird hair magic and jinyoung is pushed back out into the manager’s car before he knows it, way before he has any chance to talk to _any_ of them about anything important.

jinyoung settles down next to his manager and groans. “did you buy any food, hyung?”

“you’ll eat when we get there,” is what his manager says, and jinyoung sighs to himself.

he hasn’t bothered to text jaebeom the entire week since they’ve last filmed together. jinyoung fiddles with his phone now before he sighs again and thinks: it can’t possibly get worse, right? _did you get a chance to eat?_

surprisingly, jaebeom answers in three minutes. not that jinyoung is paying any specific attention. a happenstance observation. _my manager cleared my entire fridge to make sure i wouldn’t make anything in the morning. i’m starving. same thing with you?_

 _i woke up late,_ jinyoung replies. _long night with my friend, jackson. he likes to watch the show. he told me you guys were friends._

_you know jackson? i was on his production team once and he decided he would adopt me as his friend, although there was one memorable time he ran down the hall yelling “jaebeom-hyung is my daddy now!” at full volume. he said it was for a show. i’m not so sure._

jinyoung snorts despite himself. what’s awful is that he can _see_ jackson doing, very clearly, exactly that.

 _jackson once got so drunk at a club we were at that he started to sob on my shoulder and thought i was his grandma,_ jinyoung texts back. _wait, i have a video._

said video includes a 1 and a half minute clip of jackson sniffling into a glass cup, holding it out toward the bartender. he keeps going, “please, one more man, i can pay for it. my gram’s here t’ pick me up.” following by jinyoung going, “should i send this to your actual grandma?” and jackson responding, confused, “grams? since when were you korean?”

 _i’m betrayed,_ jaebeom texts back, _i thought i was jackson’s only parental figure._

_he’s mistakenly called our manager ‘dad’ once, too. and pd jinyoung. oh, before i forget to ask –_

_you’re from jyp too, right?_

_right. i wonder how we never ran into each other._

_kind of crazy. i heard about it after, when my manager said he knew yours._

_crazy for sure._

jinyoung is startled out of replying when his manager places a hand over his own, stopping his quick fingers. jinyoung drops his phone between his legs. he curses while trying to get a grip on it again.

“sorry about that,” manager hyung says, “but we’ve been at the filming location for the past few minutes. i thought you’d maybe like to get out of the car?”

“right,” jinyoung clears his throat and opens the door, heading out. “see you, hyung.”

his manager has left him in the front of a bakery. he’s a little hesitant to just walk in when there’s obviously a number of people inside, but it’s rainy today, and jinyoung rushes to get under the awning before the hair yugyeom painstakingly fixed for him is ruined.

he spots another car heading in as his manager’s rolls out. jinyoung recognizes the shadow of long hair that he sees in the passenger’s seat, shrouded by dark glass. for a moment, he isn’t sure whether or not he should head inside or stay out. the staff make that choice for him, indicating that he should head inside so he isn’t waiting out in the rain.

“that was a nice shot, though,” the woman who ushers him inside says, smiling. “waiting in the rain for your lover? it’ll be a nice opener.”

“right,” jinyoung says in response, because what else is he supposed to say? that he hadn’t done it on purpose?

it’s strange, jinyoung thinks to himself, how he can run a conversation with jaebeom just fine all up until they have to meet face to face. he shakes rainwater off of his sleeves and checks his reflection in the black edge of his phone. from the corner, jinyoung spies jaebeom walking into the bakery with an umbrella printed with small, yellow cats. they meet eyes and share a commiserating smile, but no words.

the baker that greets him does so with a curious eye toward the cameras, unused to their presence. he leads them to the back, in the spotless steel kitchens, while the cameras pan all around them to take in the sweet atmosphere for the bakery. a sneaking suspicion rises at the back of jinyoung’s mind.

he leads them to another young man, who greets them both politely with a smile, his face turned away from the cameras. he introduces himself as the head of the kitchen and hands jinyoung and jaebeom patterned aprons.

jinyoung clutches the cloth, uneasiness rolling in his stomach. “wait, wait wait. i’m really bad at this. cooking, baking, i don’t think it’s a good idea for me to…” he swallows his own words when the director at makes a cutting motion at her throat. he tries not to make it obvious that he’s glancing at her, suddenly panicked, while the baker begins to tell them the importance of staying clean in the back. she makes a movement around her waist, pointing to jaebeom, and makes an OK sign at jinyoung.

“hey,” jinyoung begins, holding up the blue apron, “jaebeom _-ssi_ , could you turn around?”

jaebeom turns to him, surprised, but catches on pretty quick. jinyoung reaches around to help him put the apron on, a little uncomfortable at how it means that he’s back-hugging jaebeom at some level. he smells nice, jinyoung notices first and foremost, something subtle but heady. jinyoung ties the apron at the back with a small bow and steps back. little brown bears dance along the hem.

“here,” jaebeom says, holding up a plain yellow one he had been given. jinyoung reaches for it, hopeful that he could just put it on himself, but jaebeom holds it away for a brief second before throwing it to the side. “actually, could i get that one?” he points to another one left on the side. “with the bears.”

it matches the one jaebeom is wearing, is the first thing jinyoung notices. the second thing he notices is the level of mortification manifesting itself as redness high on his face as he feels jaebeom reaches over and return the favor. jaebeom’s hands linger a second too long around the small of his back, until jinyoung pulls away.

“the pink looks better with black,” jaebeom says, giving him a thumbs up. it almost looks like he wants to smile. the baker cuts in for both of them, asking for a quick break – fifteen minutes, because he has to deal with a kitchen issue – and the producer yells cut on the recording. as if someone has cut a marionette’s strings, jaebeom slumps, leaning a little bit toward the counter. “oh, thank god. that was physically painful.”

it’s the grimace on jaebeom’s face that makes jinyoung turn to him, surprised, rather than ignore him for the fifteen minutes that he had originally planned to do. “really? i couldn’t tell.”

“you couldn’t tell i was whole-body cringing?”

“well, no,” jinyoung says truthfully, “you looked a lot more comfortable than i did. you even nailed saying cheesy lines.”

jaebeom snorts, straightening. “me? you’re the one who looks unaffected by all this.”

jinyoung laughs like it’s punched out of him in surprise. “i’m not – _trust me_ , i’m not. maybe i just have a better poker face than you. it’d be humiliating if i didn’t.” his pride as an actor is on the line, after all.

jaebeom nods. “you’re right. i shouldn’t be upset that i lost to the great prince.” he freezes a moment later, as if cursing himself out for a bad tongue slip.

eyes wide, jinyoung’s head whips around from where he’s been observing the way the baker has been using his hands to demonstrate how to knead dough to meet jaebeom’s eyes. “how do you - ?”

“i didn’t look you up,” jaebeom says quickly, which tells jinyoung that he _most definitely did_. “i mean, you just looked familiar, and i thought that maybe i knew you from a drama somewhere, and then one thing led to another and i was watching that drama you did like six years ago and, uh, this really doesn’t look good for me.”

“that drama was seventy episodes,” jinyoung says incredulously. “and i only showed up in some of them. i think it was twenty episodes in total. i don’t even remember which ones they were.”

“i had a pretty free week,” jaebeom says, shifting uncomfortably, the tips of his ears burning red.

jinyoung’s eyes stray there despite himself. and, for some strange reason, it sets off warmth in his stomach, insistent and spreading slowly toward his fingers.

“i listened to all the songs you put up on your soundcloud,” jinyoung blurts out. he doesn’t admit the following things: that he, too, had looked up who lim jaebeom was when he had gotten home, that he stalked through jaebeom’s social media accounts and read his posts until he found a soundcloud link and listened to the first song there. one thing led to another, autoplaying through soothing tracks stacked after one another. jaebeom’s voice is smooth and captivating, and the soulful r&b tracks that were posted had been the perfect addition to jinyoung’s reading.

jaebeom is staring at him, but a little bit – a little bit off, to the left, almost, and jinyoung reaches up a hand to cup his ear. it’s warm.

“did you like them?”

jinyoung narrows his eyes. “did you like my drama?”

jaebeom exhales. “touché. this might also be a good time to mention that i watched your other drama, the one with the psychic that could hear thoughts and helped a circus troupe. which, to be honest, still doesn’t make sense to me.”

out of well-practiced habit, jinyoung goes, “it’s because he was psychic that he could help his friends escape the circus, since it was oppressing them for being different. it was symbolic of how we need to help others that are in bad situations.” he blinks at the way his voice sounds, all rote and routine. “you didn’t _have_ to watch it.”

“you didn’t _have_ to listen to all my songs.”

“you,” jinyoung inhales, scoffing for a moment, “you – it was on autoplay!”

jaebeom raises an eyebrow. “so was the drama. one episode after another.”

jinyoung wants to be upset, he really does, but he can’t help the way his mouth is beginning to twitch up into a smile. when jaebeom’s shoulders start shaking, jinyoung cracks first, bending over as laughter bubbles up from his lungs. he hides it behind his hand, stifling the sound, but some of the camera crew still look over in general interest at the sound. jaebeom is laughing as well, forcing it down into tiny snickers the best he can. jinyoung clears his throat as he tries to calm down, biting both of his lips in an attempt to stop.

some of the staff ask after them, curious as to why they’re laughing the way they are. jinyoung feels less tense, less like he’s on unknown ground.

“sorry,” jaebeom mutters underneath his breath, “i know why we’re doing all this, honestly, but at the same time it’s so awful. i want to curl up and die at how dumb this is.”

“yeah, but we have to do it,” jinyoung whispers, knowing exactly how he feels. “i think you’re doing an okay job at being cheesy.”

“and you’re doing a good job at being loving,” jaebeom says. “think we can keep it up for the rest of the day?”

“i think you’d have to try hard to keep up.”

“well, actor park,” jaebeom says, holding a hand out for jinyoung to shake, “you’re on.”

/

_congratulations, jaebeom! you won the cake making competition! how do you feel?_

good. pretty good. i mean, i’ve always liked cooking, baking isn’t too far from it, and the baker was a really good teacher. he was easy to follow. i’m glad that i got to make something jinyoung- _ssi_ would like.

_you were helping him out a lot instead of working at your own station, but you still won._

that’s right. jinyoung- _ssi did_ say that he wasn’t good at cooking at all, unless it’s easy or there’s directions. i just thought it was cute, how hard he was trying, and i wanted to help out. i mean, i still won in the end, right?

_both the cake competition and a lot of backhugging opportunities!_

uh…exactly.

_the couple aprons were a cute touch._

i liked the bears.

_how did you guess what kind of cake jinyoung would like? did he tell you anything?_

oh no, i think he was dead set on beating me, so he didn’t really tell me anything. he’s a little competitive, i think? but i remember he liked vanilla lattes, so then i thought that it would be good to follow in that line of thought, so… a vanilla cake with coffee cream. and chocolate, because who doesn’t like chocolate?

_sounds as sweet as you two were today._

pfft. okay, okay, i’m done laughing.

_do you think you feel closer to jinyoung?_

i mean, the more time we spend together, the closer we get, right?

/

jinyoung finds himself humming one of jackson’s songs while he’s shopping for groceries, checking ingredients off of a list as he tries his best to get only what he needs and head back to his apartment. he wants to get dinner set up before the newest episode of his current drama obsession is released. there’s a space heater and the promise of a restful sleep lulled by good food waiting for him in only a few short hours.

he’s looking through two different brands of ramen, debating between which ones he wants to keep in stock, when he hears someone tentatively go, “jinyoung?”

freezing for a moment, jinyoung’s brain immediately tells him that it could possibly be a fan – he needs to smile and look somewhat presentable, even though he hasn’t shaved today and he’s wearing a hoodie because he wasn’t expecting to run into anyone on this short dinner run – but he recognizes that voice. perhaps it’s still a fan, jinyoung thinks as he turns around, even if not the one he necessarily expected.

“i didn’t know you shopped here,” jaebeom says, a little dumbfounded. he stands a meter away from jinyoung, in baggy jeans and a t-shirt, his usually bright hair tucked into a cap. jinyoung feels vindictively appreciative at how jaebeom seems to be unshaven as well, with none of his piercings properly put in, the picture of a person – not an idol.

jinyoung raises an eyebrow. looks around. eyes wide, he goes, “i didn’t realize i needed to have a specific supermarket to shop in?”

“that’s _not_ what i meant to say.”

shrugging, jinyoung drops one of the ramen packets he had been eyeing. “a coincidence, i guess. i live nearby, and they always have my favorite brand stocked.”

jaebeom must be of the same idea, as he hums in agreement. “these are so bad for my health,” jaebeom sighs. he stares down at his haul of _shin_ ramen like a disappointed father, but jinyoung isn’t sure if he’s more disappointed in himself or at the ramen company for tempting him. “but i can’t stop eating it. i’m going to regret it in my sixties.”

“live while you can,” jinyoung agrees, peeking a little bit at the other’s cart. “oh, i like the chicken too. you don’t like spicy things?”

“i can’t handle too much of it. plus, i usually eat when i’m working, so i don’t want anything that will bother me. i barely have enough time to cook.”

“oh.” must be nice. jinyoung isn’t _awful_ at cooking, per say, but he’s not the best at it either. he’s a hit or miss.

“are you going home?”

“after this, yes,” he says, motioning to his cart.

“alright then,” jaebeom already begins to turn away, waving as he goes. it’s the almost-smooth way that jaebeom leaves, making their meeting seem like a short but fortunate one, that sticks in jinyoung’s mind as the other disappears. he would have looked too standoffish if he were to try the same thing, tired and out of it as he is. jaebeom had caught him at an off time, without the makeup and the hair and the clothes that jinyoung uses to present himself to the public. here, he’s jinyoung with the sloppy clothes, the bedhead, the glasses. it leaves him on edge. jaebeom must have noticed.

he finds himself relaxing as he goes to pay at the self-checkout, ruminating over jaebeom, the show, his future schedules and then his past dramas in that order. _that was nice of him_ , jinyoung thinks. it’s probably why when he gets home, making a slightly spruced-up version of his favorite ramen – soft boiled eggs, scallions, spam – he takes a quick picture and sends it to jaebeom. _dinner, done._

he starts his drama a moment later, having saved it on netflix, only thinking to check his phone when the hour has passed. jaebeom had sent a picture back half an hour after jinyoung’s, with his own bowl of ramen. there’s no wordy response, but the bowl looks much nicer than jinyoung’s, with _bulgogi_ and egg omelette topping. he spies a side dish of _ddeok_ peeking out of the corner. jinyoung smiles and closes his phone, already yawning.

/

“hyung,” yugyeom begins as he runs his hands through jinyoung’s hair, as he does per routine now, “that was such a cute episode! you and jaebeom-hyung are really good with each other.” jinyoung looks away from his phone screen to make eye contact with yugyeom through the mirror. his hair is wet from his morning shower; yugyeom suggested a bit of a cut since his bangs were starting to get in the way. fine by him, jinyoung thinks. one less salon trip to pay for.

“you think so?” jinyoung glances at youngjae, who has his headphones on while he’s quickly rearranging his brushes by size. “i think i had a little help, which is why it was so memorable.”

yugyeom has the decency to look a little sheepish. he leans down and places his chin on top of jinyoung’s, a show of familiarity that would have usually made jinyoung uncomfortable. with yugyeom, though, the annoyance that jinyoung would normally experience is suspiciously absent. “we just thought it would be a nice touch! they give us your concepts before filming so we can fix you up appropriately.”

“today’s filming is different, though,” bambam pipes up. he’s also on his phone at the edge of the room, sitting with his legs crossed. he’s got the longest legs jinyoung has ever seen on anyone, save yugyeom. “we’re going to be following you for this shoot.”

“you are?”

“ah, bambam,” youngjae says suddenly, a little whiny. “you weren’t supposed to say anything! it’s supposed to be a secret!”

yugyeom shrugs. “we’re going to be in the same van with them. jinyoung-hyung isn’t stupid, he would have figured out something’s different.”

“besides, they don’t know _what_ we’ll be doing there,” bambam argues.

“is it a photoshoot?”

quiet.

jinyoung rolls his eyes. “why else would you three be there, then?”

bambam coughs. “jinyoung-ah – “

he squints at bambam. “aren’t you younger than me? you call youngjae ‘hyung’, and i know youngjae calls me ‘hyung’, so you have to be – “

“jinyoung-hyung,” bambam begins again primly, despite the fact that jinyoung didn’t tell him to be that familiar with him. not that he can really stop any of them, really. they’ve just barged into jinyoung’s life, no fucks given. “there are many reasons why we’d be there. to help clean up that awful flour fight you and jaebeom-hyung had last episode, for example. the _apron disaster_.”

“i thought it was cute,” yugyeom says blithely, holding up a pair of hair scissors and forcing jinyoung to keep his head straight.

“regardless,” bambam says, “it doesn’t _have_ to be a photoshoot.”

it’s a photoshoot, jinyoung rolls his eyes.

after yugyeom and youngjae’s attentions, both of them talking to jinyoung as they work – about the weather, the drama that they’re watching (which jinyoung is also watching), about the show and mostly about jinyoung and jaebeom together – he’s ushered into a large van that, surprisingly, his manager _isn’t_ driving. bambam doesn’t change his outfits, but he does make sure that no part of jinyoung is out of order. as soon as jinyoung leaves the small makeup room, there’s cameras on him. he makes wide-eyed eye contact with the director, who motions for him to just play along with it.

“hello,” he begins, waving at the camera and flushing at how stupid he feels. he hadn’t been _ready_. but the longer he’s under the camera’s shining reflection, the more jinyoung feels like he’s building himself back up to park jinyoung, actor. “i don’t know what’s going on today, but i just got a hair cut.” the camera people raise two thumbs up and jinyoung laughs, hiding it behind his hand and reaching up to touch the softly dried locks at this forehead. “does it look good?”

someone flushes. a couple of people give him a solid thumbs up, while one cameraman’s neck flushes. jinyoung half smiles, embarrassed at the unspoken compliments.

he follows the camera crew outside, where jaebeom is waiting in front of a huge van. jinyoung waves, looking appropriately excited, but when he finally stands in front of jaebeom again there’s something that’s holding his smile back. he doesn’t want to go overboard.

“you cut your hair?” jaebeom asks, surprised, and reaches out a hand before it stops a couple centimeters away from jinyoung’s head. “it looks good on you.”

“thanks,” he says, smoothing down the side of it. “i hope it doesn’t make my ears look too big.”

“your ears aren’t big,” jaebeom lies, hiding a smile.

jinyoung raises an eyebrow at him.

“they’re a cute kind of big,” jaebeom eventually allows, and this time when he reaches over – slower, this time, so jinyoung can see it happen – he pinches the edge of jinyoung’s ear. his fingers are callused, and jinyoung can feel the heat of his palm against the inner curve of his ear.

“that’s why i can’t pierce them,” jinyoung says as he pulls away. “they’d just bring too much attention to how big they are.”

“i think you’d look nice with earrings,” jaebeom says. “maybe one of those fake ones, if you don’t do it for real.”

“okay, we’ll cut the recording here,” they hear the director say. “we need to get to the filming location separately, but don’t have enough vans for everyone, we’ll just have to time skip this part.” she gives a reassuring look to the both of them. “good job, you guys. i have to say, you two are much less awkward than the other couples we have this season. the casting did a good job with the both of you.”

“oh, thanks,” jinyoung replies, surprised. _they’re_ the least awkward? he can’t imagine how bad the others are, then. jinyoung tries to recall what he had seen of the other couples when watching the episodes with jackson, but it remains fuzzy in his memory, diluted by beer and jackson’s laughter.

“i wonder how the others are if _we’re_ doing well,” jaebeom mumbles, just as jinyoung is thinking it.

he doesn’t expect the director’s sharp hearing, or the way she laughs. “well, sometimes it just happens. we take a gamble with every couple that’s introduced to the show. some of them are popular, some aren’t. some people have chemistry together, some don’t. who knows why someone gets popular? but after our season premiere, you guys got a lot of love from netizens. haven’t you checked it out?”

“i don’t check my sns anymore,” jinyoung admits. he looks at jaebeom, who shrugs in agreement.

“well,” the director says, “you guys are going to be a fan favorite, i can already tell. they’re calling you soulmates, the ‘jj’ couple.”

jinyoung knows the look he shares with jaebeom is one of unexpected surprise, almost overwhelmed with the suggestive promise of the director’s words. they’re shuffled into the van, driven by one of the show’s cameramen, and are uncomfortably squished next to each other in the back. jinyoung waits for youngjae, bambam, and yugyeom to trickle in afterward, but they end up never joining them; instead, jinyoung spies the three of them heading into another car with a couple of boxes. faces he can’t name pile into their car instead.

jinyoung had been holding out on the small hope that the three of them would be here for him to talk to. despite jaebeom being the one he’s married to, and who he has the phone number of, jinyoung is way more comfortable talking to the members of his stylist team. there’s a camera and a tripod next to him, and while it’s not taking up more space than a person would, jinyoung still finds himself shoulder to shoulder with jaebeom.

he slips off his back and settles it in his lap so they have more wiggle room. jaebeom’s thigh presses against his own.

they’re so close jinyoung feels his breath when jaebeom asks, confused, “why didn’t we just go with our managers?”

he shrugs, unsure. “i know my manager takes care of other people than me – jackson? so he might be busy right now.”

“huh,” jaebeom’s eyebrows rise to his hairline. “how does he manage two stars at once?”

abruptly, his throat feels dry. jinyoung doesn’t want to admit that he rarely gets work, that most of his schedules are short and don’t repeat, and that if his manager were to be handling only jinyoung, he probably wouldn’t be making enough money to feed himself. jinyoung shrinks back a little in his seat, uncomfortable. he only checks back into the conversation when jaebeom rushes to say, “wait, i noticed that bambam was getting in a car, too. think we’re going to be at a photoshoot?”

he’s glad for the change of topic. “yeah, that’s what he said,” jinyoung replies quietly. “but i don’t think we were supposed to know that.”

“a couple photoshoot?”

“probably,” jinyoung shrugs. “i don’t think it’s like a – a wedding photoshoot, or anything. because that would be too early, wouldn’t it?”

“yeah,” jaebeom responds slowly. “it would. it’s been… what, three weeks?”

“three days,” he corrects.

“we don’t get married and un-married in between shoots, jinyoung _-ssi_.”

“ _fake_ married,” jinyoung insists, the way jaebeom says ‘married’ in an amused tone prickling at the back of his neck.

“fake married,” he acquiesces. turning to jinyoung, jaebeom shuffles his arm so it won’t dig into jinyoung’s ribs. this leaves his arm over the edge of the seat, where jaebeom’s jacket crinkles and brushes against the nape of jinyoung’s neck. “but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, right? if we’re going to go through this whole thing together to get a little bit more exposure, we don’t need to be weird about it, right?”

he seems sincere enough, jinyoung thinks, thinking back to how easy it was to talk to jaebeom off screen, away from the cameras and their insistence on placing labels on a very new, very unsteady relationship. soulmates? jinyoung is just trying to stay afloat.

“friends,” he agrees. if it’ll make it easier.

there’s no need to speak further, but the silence is comfortable. jaebeom puts his headphones in and closes his eyes, leaning back against the headrest. sounds of soft jazz can be heard through them, low enough to disappear underneath the level of chatter in the van. jinyoung’s legs are a little cramped, so he discreetly tries to stretch them out. following jaebeom’s example, he puts in his headphones, choosing a podcast to listen to while closing his eyes and hoping for a little bit of reprieve.

jinyoung doesn’t quite realize when he dozes off, just that the lull of the car driving, swaying, turning this way and that soothes him into a sense of complacency. he ceases to hear the words low and easy through his earbuds, leaving him fluffy headed.

it’s when the car stops to a jolt that jinyoung feels himself get thrown bodily to the side at a sharp jerk, and he groans. the side of his shoulder aches briefly in response to knocking against the tripod briefly, but the pain quickly disappears. he blinks the remnants of sleep out of his eyes, wondering if he’s ruined the makeup youngjae had put on him that morning, or the hair that yugyeom had done for him.

“speed bump, my bad,” the driver calls out, “i should have been more careful while parking. jinyoung- _ssi_ , jaebeom- _ssi_ , just hold on for a moment – we’ll be filming when you get out.”

they change seats to the ones directly in front to have a smoother exit. jinyoung checks his hair in the reflection of the window.

“wow, are we out of seoul?” is the first thing jaebeom says. “this is beautiful.”

they’re at a beach front, jinyoung realizes. the air is salty enough to be nostalgic. they’re not in the south, that’s for sure, but they’re not in the city anymore either. the sky is a foggy grey, interspersed with blue, stretched for ages with the tinge of a breeze biting at their faces. it’s a little chilly, but not too much so. because they’re so close to the ocean, and at the end of the beach, there’s not a lot of people around. sand streaks across the boardwalk and the road.

“jinyoung,” jaebeom says suddenly, snapping him out of it his dazed glance at the end of the boardwalk, where colors shift across the wood. “our mission.”

there’s a pink envelope that the cameraman has set out for them. he feels like someone has blindfolded him, turned him around a couple times, and let him stumble into the waves. jinyoung takes the envelope and opens it as jaebeom crowds his side; his fingers thumb over the edge of the envelope. “congratulations, jj couple! welcome to the setting of your first photoshoot. like the setting of a sweet romance novel, take this opportunity to give us a couple’s photoshoot. the theme: passage of time.”

“passage of time,” jaebeom repeats slowly. “like the world is passing us by, or?”

one of the staff holds up a little notebook that has _you guys can interpret it how you want_ scrawled over the front. jaebeom repeats it for the sake of the audience. they get herded away to hair and makeup. bambam, youngjae, and yugyeom have arrived here earlier than all of them, and they have a tent set up to the side. one of the staff guys helps youngjae and yugyeom set up a mirror and table while bambam is focused on the clunky luggage he’s brought.

“oh good, you’re both here,” bambam greets them distractedly. “we’re going to go for something sweet for the both of you, like you’re teenagers on the beach.” never mind that they’re in their mid twenties, jinyoung thinks to himself numbly. when neither jinyoung nor jaebeom answer him, bambam turns his gaze on them.

“well? what are you two waiting for?”

jaebeom clears his throat. “i thought that we were going to choose how to interpret the theme?”

“you will, but this is still a photoshoot. _c’mon_ ,” bambam insists toward the chairs, as yugyeom and youngjae finally make it over to them.

“jaebeom-hyung!” youngjae says loudly, breaking the strange atmosphere that’s fallen over them. his boisterous laughter puts a smile on jaebeom’s face. even jinyoung begins to smile at the way youngjae laughs, loud and obtrusive but nonetheless joyful. while youngjae greets jaebeom with a huge bear hug, nearly toppling him over, yugyeom actually makes his way over to jinyoung and reaches over to bump shoulders with him before tugging on the short hairs at the back of his neck.

“i just fixed this for you, hyung,” yugyeom sighs, mock disappointed at the state of his bangs, and jinyoung splutters at the way yugyeom looks down at him. it makes him feel like he’s with jackson when the other is poking sly fun at jinyoung’s pettiness. he pokes yugyeom on the shoulder hard, edging him away. “and who messed it up right now, huh?”

“stop, you guys are going to make them lose concentration on my very important photoshoot,” bambam says, half whining, half grumbling. jinyoung rolls his eyes automatically, not knowing that jaebeom is doing the same thing a couple of steps away until yugyeom excitedly yelps, “the jj couple!”

“please don’t say that,” jinyoung sighs, rubbing his upper arms as a breeze filters through the tent. “we won’t have to wear anything that will make us too cold, will we?”

“i have sweaters planned,” bambam says. “but i’m pretty sure that you guys will be here all day.”

“the passage of time,” jaebeom intones as youngjae pushes him into the chair. “hey, kid, watch it,” he pinches youngjae’s cheek fondly. they obviously know each other. it’s very much possible that youngjae, yugyeom, and bambam might have known jaebeom before jinyoung, and their sweet attitude toward him may be because they want to support their hyung.

“why are they calling us the jj couple?” jinyoung mumbles, leaning toward jaebeom when youngjae rushes away to grab something. that kid is always rushing, jinyoung notices, never silent on his feet.

“that’s what the show is calling us,” jaebeom replies. “i’ve known youngjae since he used to be a trainee. he said he pushed himself and his team to be our stylists for the season, since he worked for the company that runs _we got married_ anyway. i don’t know how or why yugyeom is so invested in us,” he shakes his head, amused.

this is news to jinyoung. “youngjae was a trainee?”

“yeah, you didn’t know?”

“i only met them a couple weeks ago.”

“really? you’re comfortable with them.”

“they just started to treat me comfortably, so i did the same.”

“huh,” jaebeom says, “so if i treat you comfortably, then you’ll start calling me _hyung_ too, right?”

jinyoung leans back in his chair. he doesn’t notice the way youngjae and yugyeom are staring at the both of them with wide eyes, listening to their fairly quiet but not-really-private conversation. he wrinkles his nose. “why should i call you _hyung_?”

jaebeom looks like he wants to pout or something equally as ridiculous. “so we can be comfortable! with each other! we’re friends now. if this ship sinks, so do we.”

after a moment of contemplation, something prods jinyoung to say, “well, only if you deserve to be called _hyung_.” he focuses his attention on his phone, where jackson has begun to spam him with text messages about an article he found on naver.

from the corner of his eye, jinyoung spots the way jaebeom stares at him like he’s been struck by lightning. it leaves some part of jinyoung feeling smugly content. jaebeom just seems like he’s got it all together, sometimes, a list of things to say at the camera that makes him both endearing and intimate while, at the same time, untouchable. jinyoung doesn’t know why he isn’t more popular. meanwhile, jinyoung feels like he’s always got the same expression up when the cameras are turned to him. he can pretend to be someone else, but being himself is what’s hard.

“is this flirting?” bambam whispers, turning to yugyeom and youngjae. youngjae is staring at jaebeom, looking like he’s trying not to lose a gut while holding back his laughter lest he grab their attention. “i’m serious, yugyeom, do you think this is flirting?”

“do they know that no one is filming them?” yugyeom asks, but he looks inordinately pleased.

they’re put into similar white sweaters, a pair of jeans, and sneakers. converse for jaebeom, white running sneakers for jinyoung. yugyeom and youngjae throw them out of the tent with thumbs up. jinyoung thinks he spies yugyeom shedding a tear.

“they’re so weird,” he remarks, crossing his arms around himself to stop shivering.

“tell me about it,” jaebeom says. “are you cold? i think they’re getting us blankets.”

“thank god,” jinyoung sighs.

it’s nearly noon, the sun bright and beaming in the sky. some of it helps jinyoung’s slowly freezing limbs, but even the sun feels slightly dim. jinyoung side-eyes jaebeom and jealously covets the way he seems okay against the cold.

they stand in front of the director, enough space in between them for another person to squeeze in. “this is going to be part of the promotions for the show. now, guys,” she looks them both in the eye, “this is basically a day to play. just try to be touchy-feely with each other, you know, be a little clingy. for the most part, you can pretend that we aren’t here, but we do have a photographer that will be taking photos alongside our filming. he might have some directions for you, so don’t worry if you hear him yelling about something or the other.”

“how are we supposed to just… start ‘playing’?” jinyoung asks, feeling childish even as the words leave his mouth.

the director shrugs. “just think of what you would want to do with your significant other if you were actually married. act it out here. think of this whole show like a trial run,” she says, “for when you’re actually married.”

jinyoung and jaebeom share a look. jinyoung turns back, going, “can i have a blanket?”

the director’s mouth twitches up into a smile. “have a go at nature’s natural blanket – _body heat_.”

jinyoung’s feet sink into the sand as they walk down to the waves, the first place jaebeom suggested they should go for. he feels briefly sorry for whoever will have to clean this up, since there’s no way the sand won’t remain in the crevices of his shoes. he’s already starting to regret not fighting back on the sneakers. they should have gone barefoot.

“i have sand between my toes,” jaebeom mutters, and jinyoung snorts.

“every time we film for this show,” he whispers, made bold by how far they are from the filming crew, “i always think to myself, _i could have just made more money by being a prostitute._ ”

the sudden frankness of his words sweeps jaebeom right off his feet and makes him laugh, throwing his head back as his voice rings loud through the air. his earrings, silver dangling ones, jangle as they hit the side of his neck. jinyoung resist the urge to reach out and touch them. jinyoung shares his smile, keeping his arms crossed to save some warmth even though he wants to reach up to cover his mouth.

“i guess we could just forget that they exist,” jaebeom suggests as he settles down. his teeth are so white, jinyoung notices. “just pretend that it’s a day for us. on my college freshman trip, we went to the beach. it was a pretty good way to get to know my classmates, and we had a lot of fun games.”

“what did you do?” jinyoung asks, intrigued.

“well,” jaebeom stops walking so jinyoung does, too. they’re a couple of meters away from the shore, where the sand is firmer. jaebeom holds out his hand. “rock, paper, scissors?”

jinyoung frowns. “what happens if i lose?”

“come on, just try it! trust me.”

jinyoung puts out scissor. jaebeom puts out rock.

he finds himself upended in a split second, barely realizing that jaebeom’s barreled toward him the moment that he puts out scissor. jinyoung doesn’t even realized he’s lost until he’s seeing the world upside down, his face is right next to jaebeom’s ass, and the cameramen – and photographers – are staring at the both of them, dumbfounded. jinyoung has an inkling of what jaebeom plans to do the closer they get to the water and as jaebeom’s shoes are left in the sand, toppled over against each other.

“ _wait – “_

jinyoung sinks into the ocean, water rushing over his eyes and nose. he blinks, looking at the world beneath the water, and sees jaebeom grin at him underneath the waves. his hair floats around him like a halo. jinyoung kicks his way back up to the surface, gasping for air even as adrenaline rushes through his veins.

and as soon as he hears jaebeom laugh, a bright and happy sound distinct through his water logged ears, he yells, “ _LIM JAEBEOM – “_

obviously, bambam didn’t expect the both of them to be _actually_ five years old, or to play too much in the sea. he probably thought that they would be focused on a mature and romantic interpretation of the theme, since there’s _no other reason_ why bambam would put them both in sweaters. the cotton chafes at jinyoung’s skin as it’s logged with salt water, dragging across his body and sticking to his skin and coating his tongue. the water is immensely cold, but he barely feels it as he drags himself out of the shore to chase after jaebeom, who is already folding up the cuff of his jeans to prevent them from getting sullied by wet sand.

“whoa, hey, you’re a fast runner – jinyoung, seriously, you asked – _hey_ _that’s my shoe!_ ”

“sucks to be you,” jinyoung yells, throwing one of jaebeom’s converse at him. when it misses by a wide margin, jinyoung chucks the other; jaebeom dodges the first two, but he can’t dodge the shoe that comes right after, taken right off of jinyoung’s left foot. the seething irritation boiling in his blood warms jinyoung’s bones and perfects his aim. it nails him straight in the head.

“ _ow_ , jinyoung!”

“i’m soaking wet,” he groans, pulling the sweater away from his stomach. he’s faced with two of the worst feelings in the world: wet cotton and wet jeans. his hair flops in front of his face, and jinyoung hates how much he must look like a drowned rat right now. he’s never been attractive while spontaneously wet, only when it’s meticulously planned. and this? this is anything _but_ planned.

jaebeom points at himself, as he’s also dripping. but his wet hair attractively lays across his forehead. “so am i!”

“you did it to yourself!”

“yeah, but now we’re both wet, so we don’t need to be careful around the water, right?”

“that wasn’t – _that was never the problem!_ ”

“move closer,” says a sudden, unfamiliar voice. jinyoung jerks, forgetting for a moment that they are, in fact, in the presence of other people. the camera-people are all smiling, some of them laughing to themselves, and the photographer looks at them both before motioning them closer together. “that was a great shot. you’ll dry off soon, anyway. maybe you could place your hands on each other’s shoulders?”

“hands – “ as soon as jinyoung is reminded of their audience, he fumbles. it makes him feel young, like he’s eighteen, coming up from jinhae to seoul and tripping over his southern accent again, and he’s not too sure he likes it. “like – “

“what – what should we do?” jaebeom stutters, already moving closer to jinyoung, even though he looks a little apprehensive now. the moment of reprieve – of jaebeom’s loud, gasping laughing, of jinyoung’s ire burning bright – is gone, diminished into sputtering awkwardness.

the photographer motions for jinyoung to reach out, and on instinct, jinyoung winds his arms around jaebeom’s waist as soon as he gets close. jaebeom settles for placing his arms around jinyoung’s shoulders, linking them behind his neck, even though they’re still a little far apart.

it must be noticeable, because the photographer insists, “a little closer, please.” he sounds amused.

and because jinyoung isn’t a quitter, because he’s still smarting from the way jaebeom one-upped him, he leans in closer and touches his forehead against jaebeom’s. the other stills. at this distance, jinyoung can feel the way jaebeom’s breath exhales gently over his mouth, the dark rings of his iris. he smells like salt and seaweed. jinyoung’s nose almost bumps into jaebeom’s.

“good,” the photographer says, but he sounds muted and far away. all of it does. all jinyoung hears is breathing, both his own and jaebeom’s, and his heartbeat loud and clear in his own ears like the sound of waves through a conch shell.

“you have two moles,” he notes, “right above your eye.” and, because he can, jinyoung reaches a hand up between them to trace his fingers over it. his other hand clutches the wet fabric at the small of jaebeom’s back.

“and you have one,” jaebeom says, “right here.” his thumb brushes across the top of his upper lip, where there’s a mole that’s usually missed by all.

it becomes suffocating, almost, to have jaebeom that close. the seawater, the breeze, the coolness of his clothes drying on his skin versus the warmth of jaebeom’s hands, it’s almost – too much.

jinyoung blinks and leans back, pulling away from jaebeom slightly, so his fingertips are a whisper away from jinyoung’s skin. and then, when jaebeom looks like he’s about to say something again, jinyoung hunkers down and drags jaebeom up so his feet won’t touch the sand. he barely has time to think, too, even with jaebeom panicking and yelling in his ear _jinyoung jinyoung wait i’m sorry WAIT_ –

he throws jaebeom into the water and, unwilling to admit to his childish reaction, runs away.

it’s not long before jaebeom’s head breaks through the surface, since jinyoung finds himself peeking back to check if he hasn’t drowned. the image of jaebeom spluttering and shaking his head disbelievingly like a wet dog makes jinyoung laugh. he barely sees the way jaebeom stops to stare, how the photographer snaps a photo of him in that brief moment – head thrown back, face against the dimming sun – or the way the cameras follow him.

and then, when he laughs out, “you – your _face_ – “ he’s never felt lighter.

jaebeom drags himself out of the water, of course, yelling the entire time, his voice only growing louder and louder. but jinyoung is somewhat dry, he’s got a head start, and jaebeom can’t ever seem to catch up to him no matter how many times jinyoung looks back. he runs and runs, even when tiny shells and seaweed sticks to the bottom of his feet and his ankles, because the wind feels good and he’s wet anyway, so who cares?

jinyoung gets winded after a while and he slows down, which is his final fatal mistake – jaebeom catches him and they tumble down onto the sand together. jinyoung groans as he gets a face full of it, spitting it out to the side and lamenting how it’ll in his hair for _weeks_ when jaebeom laughs above him, pressing their foreheads together the way jinyoung had done before. then, like an absolute sore loser, he slumps his entire body over jinyoung’s so that he has 60 something kilos of man and wet clothes anchoring him down. he groans and pushes jaebeom off.

“that was _mean_ ,” jinyoung says finally, blinking up at the sky. when had the clouds rolled away? the sky seems a more saturated blue.

“that was what we did during the orientation,” jaebeom says solemnly, “throw each other into the ocean. loser goes down, winner throws them.”

“what would you do if i won, then, huh?”

jaebeom grins. “rematch until i did, of course.”

jinyoung reaches up to place a hand over his head as the sun beams down on them again, unhindered by any clouds. he doesn’t want it straight in his eyes. jinyoung briefly wonders if any of the makeup youngjae had put on him had spf in them, but then it just leads him to wonder if his makeup even survived that. and then if youngjae will forgive him for ruining his hard work in a couple of minutes. _and then_ if _bambam_ will forgive him for ruining his _clothes_.

“hold that!” the photographer yells suddenly, way too close. it takes a moment for jinyoung to realize that he’s standing over them. “jaebeom- _ssi_ , could you cover his eyes for him?”

jaebeom reaches over, like a dutiful child, and places a hand over jinyoung’s eyes to shade him from the sun. he turns over and presses the side of his head against the wet sand, meeting jaebeom’s gaze as the other smiles. his long hair, wet and stringy now, hangs into his eyes, alight with mischief. “having fun?” he says, voice low.

and, surprisingly – “yeah,” jinyoung replies, the sound of the waves in his ears.

/

_were you expecting a photoshoot?_

no, it really surprised me. in the past, the other couples got photoshoots way later, or during the – the honeymoon, right? but it was nice, i think it helped us out a lot. it was a lot of fun, even if we ended up staying there until it got dark.

_how did you two interpret the theme: the passage of time?_

you know, when you think of romance and the beach, you think about taking long walks with someone you love. maybe you hold hands, maybe you kiss. those are like the scenes in the movie, right? that was what was in the movies when i was a kid, the ones my mom wouldn’t let me watch. but then i think it’s important to have fun like you’re young, too, and that’s what we did when we were at the beach. it’s like going back in time.

_how does it feel to officially be the jj couple?_

it’s cute. a lot of people on instagram tagged me with that new hashtag. some of my friends showed it to me, too.

_what was your favorite part of the day?_

hmm… lunchtime? no, no, i’m joking. i don’t know… i think i liked the beginning. jinyoung- _ssi_ looked really awkward at first, and we were just standing there awkwardly, but then when jinyoung- _ssi_ started smiling, it got really fun.

_so your favorite part was when he smiled?_

i – i mean – yes? yeah. yeah, it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twt: xiajin_twt


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> editing is hard

_the worst surroundings in the world can be tolerated  
_ _if the people in them are interesting and kind._

lemony snicket. 

/

“ _jinyoung_ ,” jackson begins, barging into jinyoung’s home like he belongs there, “listen, i need to show you something and it’s going to _blow your mind_.”

jinyoung pauses from where he’s reading his book. jackson sets down a bag of chinese take out on jinyoung’s counter before immediately rushing to settle next to him, half in his lap, wringing an arm around his neck so he can show jinyoung his phone screen.

“jackson – seunie, _quit it_ , i can’t breathe,” he chokes, patting at jackson’s forearm to get him to let go. jackson does so a moment later, if only to pull up youtube on his phone again and shove it in jinyoung’s face. it’s the preview for the newest episode. the one that jinyoung had recently filmed at the beach. (the salt is still stuck in his nostrils.)

“look at this!” jackson says insistently, on the verge of screeching. “the entire preview is just you two!”

jinyoung hadn’t noticed, because he barely had any contact with any of the other couples – he’s not sure half of them even are, to be completely honest – but he knows that the editors of the show try to give everyone a fair amount of half-second screen time. jinyoung is only ever mildly paying attention when jackson and he are watching it, now routine, every week. but jinyoung knows that they always add a little bit of every couple for the previews.

jackson replays the video. it really is just him and jaebeom, jinyoung realizes. the editing makes it a lot more romantic than it actually was, and jinyoung says so with a wrinkle of his nose. “come on, jackson. you know that most of it is just over editing. look at those hearts. it’s a trap.”

“jinyoung,” jackson begins, voice low, “just keep watching.”

and then – then its him and jaebeom, all caught up in each other’s arms. it’s intimate, is the first thing jinyoung notices, his fingers gentle near jaebeom’s brow, the other’s palm a whisper on his cheek. the touches are fleeting, almost yearning, with the way they look at each other. jinyoung’s face is flushed pink from the cold, and jaebeom’s ears are red. jinyoung doesn’t remember this at all. looking at the couple on the screen, jinyoung can believe that they’re in completely, crushingly in love with each other.

he abruptly shoves jackson away, leaving him to fall over the sofa. jinyoung stalks into the kitchen, busy with preparing himself a cup of tea. something about it – his eyes boring into jaebeom’s, the way jaebeom had been so close, the stuffy feeling in his chest – something about it sets him on edge, to see it like that on screen.

and because jackson is a good, good friend who knows jinyoung better than he knows himself, he doesn’t say anything about it when jinyoung returns with two mugs of tea. he sets them down on the coffee table. jackson quietly says, “i’m sorry. i thought it was – “

“it is,” jinyoung cuts in. “we’re friends, jaebeom- _ssi_ and i. we get along for the show, and that was – that was just for the cameras, jackson.”

“okay,” jackson agrees readily, reaching over to pull jinyoung into a one-sided hug. “i’m glad you and jaebeom hyung are friends, then. you deserve all the friends you can get, jinyoungie, and i’m happy that you’re at least having fun while filming. i knew it threw you off at first.”

 _it still does,_ jinyoung thinks to himself, but he doesn’t want to admit it. instead, he rolls his eyes. “have you been monitoring how popular he and i are?”

“what? i would never!”

“then you must be the fake jackson, because _my_ jackson would stalk all the comments about me online. this time doubly so, since two of his friends are involved.”

jackson blurts, “jj couple for life, man, you guys are _viral_.”

it had been that video of them getting each other’s drinks right on the first go, apparently. a little snippet of it had been uploaded to youtube, then cyworld, then sns, insta, everything, anywhere it could possibly be. it had spread. something about it was cute, and shy, but comfortable, like two people coming together after being apart for so long. like old friends, new lovers.

 _it had makes anyone who watches it smile_ , someone said.

 _i hope someone finds me like that too_ , someone else said.

“i heard manager hyung over the phone, this morning,” jackson begins, taking his phone away from jinyoung so he won’t read any more comments. “he said that they might put your show, you know the one you did as a prince? it might get streamed on netflix, since a lot of people seem to be re-watching it.” all seventy episodes, is what jackson isn’t saying.

 _isn’t this what you wanted?_ fame, recognition. someone turning his way, watching his shows. but this isn’t how he wanted it, pretending to be something he’s not. or, even scarier, wondering if he had to pretend at all.

“that’s great,” jinyoung says instead. “send it to me? i’ll send it to jaebeom- _ssi_.”

jaebeom replies back with a sticker of a bear that pops out of a box shaped heart. jinyoung doesn’t know why it makes his heart race.

/

jinyoung doesn’t mean to find himself in front of the vending machine thirty minutes after his meeting with his pr director and manager-hyung, wondering what kind of drink jaebeom would like to have, but that’s where he finds himself anyway. they had nothing but praises for him. in the past month alone, jinyoung has managed to gather more traffic on his website than the last two years combined. people love who he is, they told him, they love seeing him in _we got married_. there’s renewed interest in his dramas, and some of the directors are banking on his newfound viral popularity to maybe book him some auditions. if he’s lucky, to ask for parts directly. movies, dramas, tv shows, anything. this is the time to explore and take what is offered for the picking.

through it all, jinyoung just sits there, numb and quiet, thinking that they love him because of who he is with jaebeom, not because they love him on their own.

jinyoung doesn’t know who he is off camera, but he’s starting to think he doesn’t know who he is on camera, either.

dark chocolate milk tea, he thinks to himself. jaebeom likes dark chocolate. sweet, but not too sweet, enough of an edge to keep him on his toes. startled at his own thought, jinyoung presses the wrong button and gets banana milk instead.

“crap,” he sighs, because that was the last of his coins. he grudgingly opens up his wallet and uses a couple of bills, even though he’ll get back a crap ton of change.

finding the studio that ‘jb’ works in is a bit of a challenge. jinyoung stands in front of the floor map of the entertainment building holding two bottles close to his chest, looking desperately for his name, knowing that jaebeom has his own production studio here _somewhere_.

that’s when someone else taps him on the shoulder, curiously asking, “hey, sorry. i just noticed you look a little bit lost; do you need help?”

the guy in front of him is red-haired, with a tinge of an accent to his korean, yet he looks like a supermodel. “oh, i – i was looking for jb’s studio, i’m sure i can find it here.”

“it’s listed under ‘defsoul’,” the other points out, pointing to the name. “on the third floor. do you want me to take you there? i’m heading in that direction anyway.”

“thanks,” jinyoung says, tucking in the drunks closer to himself.

 _defsoul_ , he mouths the words to himself. he wonders what it means.

jinyoung keeps track of the turns it takes to get to jaebeom’s studio, although he isn’t too clear why. when they make it to a small studio all the way at the end of the hall. the guy next to him doesn’t bother with knocking, opening the door immediately to brazenly say, “hey, jaebeom. your husband is here to drop off a little love package for you.”

jinyoung chokes as the redhead grins at him, devastatingly good looking, and heads back down the hall. jaebeom is in the middle of speaking to someone, he notices, and they’ve stopped their conversation just to gape at an equally taken aback jinyoung.

he holds the banana milk in his hands a little too tightly, and it gets crushed underneath his hands. “uh, i,” his voice gets stuck in his throat.

then, the person jaebeom is with grins widely, patting jaebeom on the shoulder. “i have nothing important to say, anyways, so i’ll get going.” he nods politely at jinyoung as he leaves. when they’re actually alone, jinyoung feels the strange atmosphere rise up again, threatening to creep over his shoulder. he has half a mind to back out and go home.

but jaebeom ushers him in, closing the door behind him. the light from the hallway disappears, leaving only the warm toned ambience of his studio. there’s a sofa crammed in the corner, and it’s a little warm due to a space heater stuck in the crevice between the sofa arm and the wall. jinyoung hands jaebeom his drink, dark chocolate flavored espresso. it was the closest thing he could find.

“what’s this for?” jaebeom asks, looking at it curiously before cracking it open.

jinyoung shrugs. “as a thank you.”

“for…”

he shakes his head, not really sure how to answer. jinyoung peers at the door, wondering if he should just leave, when jaebeom notices the banana milk in his hands. “hey, you’re going to puncture that. ease up.” he gently pats jinyoung’s hand to focus his attention there instead.

“oh,” he says, “i mean, i dropped the straw somewhere, so i can’t drink it anyway.”

jaebeom nods toward the sofa. “sit, sit. take off your coat, it can get pretty warm in here.”

jinyoung listens, setting his stuff on the side and crossing his legs. the banana milk is cool and sweating in his fingers. jinyoung fingers the edge of the metallic cap when jaebeom waves a straw in front of him. it’s the one from his own drink.

“don’t you need it?” he asks, even as he takes the straw.

jaebeom shrugs. “i can just chug it down. i never say no to free caffeine, no matter how i get it.” he does just that, drinking it all in one go. jinyoung follows the line of his throat as it’s bared, the movement of his adam’s apple, the tendons of his neck as he swallows.

he looks away.

“i should go,” he says. “got important things to do.”

“catching up on your dramas, maybe a little ramen to join the party?”

“no,” jinyoung says sharply, too quickly, only because that’s _exactly_ what he planned to do. jaebeom seems to catch onto that as well, since his smirk grows a little wider. “i have lines to practice. and books to read.”

which isn’t technically a lie. the lines aren’t for any particular show or movie, since any lines jinyoung would read that night would be under the influence and from a random page of some shakespeare play. which, coincidentally, is also the book he would read.

“stay here a while,” jaebeom offers. “i could use the company. i’ve been going nuts the last few hours, so it’s a nice surprise.”

“i guess i can stay a little bit longer, if you need it that much,” jinyoung says immediately, leaning against the back of the couch. his eyes roam over jaebeom’s tiny studio. there are little elements of him everywhere, even if jinyoung wouldn’t have ever guessed it to be. a baseball framed on a top shelf; books ranging from non-fiction biographies to poetry to musical theory neatly organized on a cedar wood bookcase. there’s an entire shelf right behind jaebeom that’s filled with album; one of them has his face on it, and jinyoung realizes with a jolt that it’s jaebeom’s own music. there are no trophies anywhere. each square inch of space is taken up by a framed image, black and white photos that sink into the dark background.

“your studio is really nice,” he starts with, before his eyes fall onto the actual monster that holds the studio’s attention, where jaebeom is sitting. jinyoung looks past the huge speakers and the computer to the beautiful keyboard that he’s currently using. there’s a led light that emits a red glow, brightening the keys. “is that a doepfer?”

jaebeom’s head turns so fast, jinyoung’s afraid he might get whiplash. “yeah, it’s my pride and joy. do you – “

“i have a kawai at home,” jinyoung professes, scooching a bit closer and settling his drink far away from the keyboard. he runs his hand over the edge, pressing down on a key to hear the sharp, sweet note ring through the room. “it sounds just as good as i expected it to.”

“sponsored by hans zimmer himself,” jaebeom jokes quietly, shifting aside for jinyoung to settle closer to him. “do you want to play anything? it’s not connected or anything.”

“no,” he says after a heartbeat. “it’s okay. i’m not the best at coming up with something on the spot, and it’s been a long time since i played anything on my own keyboard. these keys feel different. nice, but different.”

“they’re a little heavier than i was used to, when i first got it,” jaebeom professes. “i’ve never touched anything so fancy before. i bought it with the makings of my first album.”

“it’s beautiful,” jinyoung praises, playing a small chord. “were you working? sorry for butting in.”

“i was trying to work on a couple of songs, yeah. didn’t know who they were for, or how they would sound. just that i needed to work on something.”

there’s an edge of agitation to jaebeom’s words, like he’s attempting to push himself into the music but finding it falling short every time. jinyoung pulls back from the keyboard. “i’m sure you’ll get there. it was only when i used to do my vocal warm ups and play around that i’d get the best idea for melodies. i never made anything out of them, but sometimes not thinking about it is what helped the best.”

“you sing?”

jaebeom commands his attention with those two words. jinyoung gets ready to say, _i used to_ , the way he used to do a lot of things: sing, dance, dream of a stage. but then jaebeom is barreling forward like he can’t wait to get the words out of his mouth. “could you sing something for me?”

“i haven’t – “ jinyoung laughs, incredulous. “i haven’t put out an album in years. i basically sing to myself in the shower now, and at home, or at karaoke.”

“so pretend that you’re there. in the shower, or at home, or at karaoke. like i’m not even here, either.”

jinyoung’s gaze shifts toward the door. jaebeom must catch it, and take it as a want to leave, because he insists a moment later. “to help me out, then? maybe it’ll get me out of my slump if i focus on other things.”

he’s tempted by the virtue of jaebeom’s presence, his imploring and sincere tone, and the coziness of his studio. jinyoung shakes his head in the end and leans back, away from the keyboard. “could you sing something instead? like one of your old songs?”

jaebeom nods, turning to play a soft, major tune on the piano. jinyoung likes the way he plays piano, his face focused on the keys in front of him, mouth lax. he begins to sing quietly, like a soft croon. his voice is husky where it matters, ringing and crystal clear in the silence. jaebeom doesn’t sing for long, spending only a minute or two, but jinyoung finds himself snapping out a daze at the end of it. he gives a little clap, smiling, “what song was that? i might just listen to it when i have free time.”

jaebeom laughs but doesn’t tell him the name. “one day, park jinyoung, i’ll get you to sing something for me as payback. maybe we’ll make an album together.”

“and maybe we’ll act in a drama together.” jinyoung thinks both have an equal probability of happening, which is to say: not at all.

offended, jaebeom runs a hand through his hair. “hey, i’m a great actor. have you ever seen me when i’m talking to director park, and he’s asking whether or not i like the song he’s written? they always sound like bad edm-house hybrids that need to be killed and put down.”

jinyoung chuckles, his head lolling against the side of the sofa. their president’s music taste…sometimes leaves a lot to be desired.

“when did you start playing the piano?”

jaebeom’s fingers are not that long, jinyoung thinks. he would have expected them to be a pianist’s fingers, even though his palms are broad. they have a certain grace to them, even as they play a few faint chords from memory. “i think i started late, when i was around fifteen. you?”

“i started playing when i was seven. i never really forgot,” jinyoung laughs. “can you play anything else?”

“a little bit of guitar, but that’s about it,” jaebeom admits. “i wasn’t a big music person, actually, unless it had to do with dancing. i learned all of this pretty late. piano playing, music composition, singing…”

“you sing very well for someone who _started late_ ,” jinyoung puts air quotes on the last two words. “besides, who cares? as long as you like it.”

“true,” jaebeom thoughtfully presses a major chord on the keyboard, letting it ring through the room. “i’m luckier than most people who want to become musicians. at least i’m signed to a label. being an artist can pay some of my bills, and i can do what i love to do. i have to remind myself to be grateful for the good things i’ve got going on.”

“but it could be better,” jinyoung says, an echo of thoughts that had one flit through his own mind, too. “it’s a weird limbo when you’re not popular, but you’re not a nobody.”

“can’t afford to be reckless,” jaebeom agrees. “i guess that’s why i agreed to do the show. i had nothing to lose.”

“you _agreed_ to do the show?” jinyoung asks, curious. “the powers above just met with me and my manager and told me that i was doing it. there wasn’t an interview process or anything. i thought there would be, since it’s so popular.”

“no, they asked me. i don’t know why. i thought it was pretty hard to get a spot, too, since viewership is really high.”

jinyoung snickers. “i’m assuming you filled out that form they gave us? with all the really intimate and somewhat stupid questions?”

“i’m also sure i lied for half of them,” jaebeom admits. “that may be why the photoshoot happened – i said i was interested in photography. but not _getting_ photographed. i like taking pictures of other people.”

jinyoung nods toward the framed images on the wall. “are any of these yours?”

“the one of the top left, the second row middle, and all of the bottom row. hey, if we get those pictures from the photoshoot, i’ll make sure to put it up here too.” there’s a wide, easy smile on jaebeom’s face to inform jinyoung that he’s just joking.

“it’d look out of place,” jinyoung snorts. the general vibe of jaebeom’s photo wall revolve around an abstract, black and white feeling. it makes jinyoung feel as though he’s looking for something between the lines that simply isn’t there. he can’t imagine how a photo of them, oversaturated and not authentic, would look on jaebeom’s wall.

he barely hears jaebeom go, “i don’t think so,” when his phone rings.

“ah, sorry,” jinyoung apologetically holds up his phone, which reads _manager-hyung._ jaebeom waves him away. as jinyoung speaks to his manager, who basically just wants to update him on some things going on for jinyoung in the possible future, jaebeom starts playing a slow, soft beat. it’s low and soothing, even as he starts to mess with the piano.

“need to get going?” jaebeom asks when jinyoung stands up. “i’ll see you at the filming site?”

“yeah,” jinyoung reaches over and nudges jaebeom’s shoulder with his hip. casually, he says, “we should get something to eat sometime, hyung.”

jaebeom, dumbfounded, can only nod as jinyoung shows himself out with a smile to himself.

/

“i’m going to sue them,” jinyoung mumbles underneath his breath as their car passes seoul’s city lines. the roads eventually peter out into the countryside. the further away they get from civilization, the more jinyoung feels a familiar ache in his bones. “we’re going to a farm, aren’t we?”

“come on, jinyoung-ah. it won’t be that bad,” his manager cajoles him, showing him pictures of everything that’s in the small, charming town that they’ll be living in. “the producers of the show took care of everything. it’s not like you’ll be struggling to make a living the way the others couples are. this is good for the locals, too, since word got out that you guys would be here to live the life of a simple married couple for a week, running a store.”

“ _now_ you’re telling me what the missions are?”

“they get business, you guys get a week’s worth of footage,” his manager raises a brow. “that means that you won’t have to film for the next two weeks after. you’d get a break all the way until christmas, when they’ll ramp up the filming.”

“ah,” jinyoung sighs, leaning back. he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment.

“what’s wrong? i thought you liked jaebeom just fine?”

“i do,” jinyoung replies, subdued, “that’s not – that was never the problem.”

the problem, he thinks to himself, is that he can handle a day or two. he tries to put out the best version of himself on the camera. the jinyoung that’s always put together, happy, smiling. it’s easy to do it for a couple of hours, even if sometimes he lapses with the way jaebeom makes him forget that there are cameras around. but jinyoung doesn’t think the jinyoung his friends know – the sarcastic, sometimes grumpy, sometimes clingy jinyoung – would be as much as a fan favorite.

he has a good momentum going, he knows. his presence on _we got married_ has already begun to open doors. his older dramas are getting more views, he has a list of commercial opportunities, and the feedback from the fans and the company are better than he would have ever imagined. no one expected them to grow this big in such short time, or that the popularity would still remain. he wants to keep that. it may sound selfish, but jinyoung wants to just _not worry_ for a while. and to do that, he has to remain vigilant the entire time on camera.

jinyoung can’t imagine what jaebeom must be thinking right now either. he sends a quick text to ask if jaebeom knows what they’re doing. he confirms that they’re going to be running a _ddeokbokki_ store together and asks if jinyoung knows where they’re going to be living.

jaebeom is another problem, jinyoung thinks, one that he isn’t willing to think about. he likes jaebeom’s company, but hates how easy it is to relax around him. he likes jaebeom’s dry but cheesy humor, but hates how easily he laughs at it.

he likes how jaebeom’s genuine smile makes his face go easy, curling up at the corners like he’s a reckless teenager, but hates the way it makes jinyoung feel like laughing, high pitched and loud, to join him.

they end up stopping at the edge of a small storefront. an elderly woman greets them, positively enthused to be helping out. jinyoung can only hope that they’re paying her enough for them to use her store. he’s told that they won’t leave the two of them alone, not entirely, but that the grandmother will be around to help around when rush hour comes. they’ll just be living in a small house right behind the place that the grandmother used to rent out.

that makes jinyoung feel a little bit better, at least. the filming crew takes time to go around and set up their equipment everywhere. his manager gives him a couple of reminders and helps jinyoung get his luggage out into the house out back. he’s left standing in the middle of the store, unsure of what to do. when the grandma sets down a bowl of _ddeok_ in front of him, jinyoung rushes to help her.

“really, i’m full,” he insists as his stomach grumbles, but the grandma waves him away.

“eat, eat,” she insists, her voice drawled with _satoori_. “you’re going to need all the strength you can get, working here. even more, since you’re a newlywed.”

the way she smiles kindly at jinyoung throws him off. “ah, _halmeoni_ , i’m not actually married.”

“nonsense!” she shakes her head. “i’ve seen the show, you two are so sweet with each other! me and my granddaughter watch it all the time. she’s a big fan, big fan. there’s a festival in a couple of days, she’ll be around to help then, would you give her an autograph when she’s here?”

jinyoung agrees, feeling like someone has pulled the rug out from underneath him. without anything to really do, even as he insists to help the camera crew or the grandmother, he settles down and takes a toothpick to eat the _ddeokbokki_ with. it’s spicy and sweet at the same time, perfectly chewy. jinyoung fills his absent stomach, and when he’s halfway through, jaebeom finally arrives.

he looks a little worse for wear, with a mask and a red nose. the front of his hair hangs over his face. “are you – are you sick?”

“no,” jaebeom immediately denies, which means that he most definitely is.

“ah, _hyung_ ,” jinyoung sighs.

/

the producers still bet that they can put a positive spin on the episode. jaebeom doesn’t look too bad right now. a little bit of makeup from youngjae, who flitters over him worriedly, is enough to convince even jinyoung that he isn’t too under the wonder. they check his temperature, just in case, and breathe a collective sigh of relief when he doesn’t have a fever. not that it makes the situation any better, since they would have most likely had to work through any sickness of jaebeom’s.

it sends something icy cold to the pit of jinyoung’s stomach. they get through the first day of filming quickly, and jaebeom puts forth his best, even though it’s obvious that he’s not as into it. quieter than normal. jinyoung, in turn, tries to make up for it by speaking more, being more insistent, pushing and pulling jaebeom to wherever they need to go. he didn’t realize how easy it was before now to just follow jaebeom’s lead.

they get a tour of grandma’s kitchen and their new house. she tells them that they’ll help her make _ddeokbokki_ in the morning, seven am sharp, but they were free to do what they liked after five pm, since that’s when her shop usually shut down for the day. jinyoung ushers jaebeom into the back of the house, groaning when he realizes that there’s only one room.

he wants to glare at the director, but the entire premise of the show is to do stupid shit like this. jinyoung grits his teeth and watches as jaebeom lies down on the sofa. he heads to the kitchen and grabs a glass of water.

“are you okay?” he starts cautiously, bringing up the possibility that jaebeom might be sick for the camera but also genuinely worried. his complexion gets more and more ashy as time goes by.

“headache,” jaebeom utters, holding his forearm over his eyes. jinyoung grabs a pack of painkillers from his bag and sets it next to jaebeom, shaking his shoulder gently. “hey, come on. drink this.”

jaebeom does so with a groan, wrinkles forming in the space between his brows. there’s a thin sheen of sweat on his face that worries him. jinyoung presses the back of his palm against jaebeom’s forehead, squeezing his shoulder at the same time.

“you have a fever,” he says in surprise, because that definitely wasn’t there earlier. “how did you not notice?”

“it’s not that bad, just something in passing,” jaebeom sighs. “the medicine will help, i’ll be fine in a couple of hours.”

jinyoung, in a brief moment of unease, looks toward the filming staff. he spies one of them on the phone and hopes that it’s for jaebeom’s manager. the director is frowning, but she indicates for jinyoung to continue.

he tries to pull together everything he knows about fevers from memory. he ushers jaebeom into the only futon they have in the single bedroom and thinks that he’ll just have to sleep on the sofa tonight. damp towels, a blanket to help break the fever, water, some food – he wonders if he can order something. one look at his app tells him that no place in five kilometers delivers.

jinyoung sighs from where he’s sitting next to jaebeom’s futon. the other is in and out of sleep, tossing until he can find a comfortable position to sleep. it doesn’t look like he’s succeeding.

“hyung,” jinyoung starts, reaching out to shake jaebeom’s shoulder. “did you eat anything? are you hungry? i can check to see if we have anything in the house, or i could ask the grandma…”

“no, nauseous,” jaebeom rasps out, easily turning over. “don’ wan’ anything.”

“you have to eat something. or at least drink water.”

“sleep,” jaebeom insists, sighing as he buries his face in the pillow. even though he’s still wearing makeup and he seems a little pale, jinyoung can’t help but think it’s cute.

“do you need another pillow? are you uncomfortable?”

“yeah,” is the only answer he gets, followed by a mutter.

“what was that?”

but jaebeom doesn’t say anything else, grasping the pillow underneath his head. jinyoung unclips the microphone at jaebeom’s collar as easily as he can, pulling out the mic pack tucked into his pants pocket. he sets them aside for the staff to take later.

it’s quiet, with the sound of the humidifier going off every couple seconds the only thing that jinyoung can hear. with his limbs still aching from the work of the day, he finds himself drawn to jaebeom’s slack features. his hair falls over his temple, right over the two moles that jinyoung had noticed at the beach. jaebeom has really nice features, sharp angles balanced by a heart shaped mouth. as if in a trance, jinyoung reaches out to trace the line of jaebeom’s cheekbone.

he doesn’t expect the way jaebeom moves into it, seeking warmth naturally. or the way jaebeom reaches out and grabs onto jinyoung’s jeans, tugging him closer. he curls up a little, knees rising to collide with jinyoung’s back and push him forward. he has to keep himself up with an elbow _this_ close to jaebeom’s head to prevent them from crashing into each other.

he groans and settles down in the bed next to jaebeom, pulling jaebeom off of his hand. “you’re clingy,” jinyoung mumbles. but it’s not like he hates it. maybe that’s why he doesn’t fight back when jaebeom flings his arm over jinyoung and crushes him close, like he’s a favorite pillow. it’s a strangely childish act that is awkwardly endearing.

jaebeom is still warm, leading jinyoung to think back to his fever. he presses his palm against jaebeom’s forehead, but he’s still burning up. jinyoung doesn’t want to push jaebeom off and risk waking him up, though.

he tells himself it’s because jaebeom is sick, but jinyoung isn’t sure who he’s trying to convince.

/

_are you excited for a week away from the city with your husband?_

i sure am, haha. i remember writing this exact same thing on that form the program gave us in the beginning about where we would like to go for a trip. it’s kind of nuts.

_you weren’t feeling well, we hope you’re okay now!_

i just overworked myself. i promise i’m okay.

_is it because jinyoung helped you recover?_

of course. he was my healing fairy.

_how was the first night together?_

it was… nice. i don’t remember much of it, but i guess i’ll see what happened when the episode airs, right?

/

“jinyoung,” someone shakes him awake. jinyoung’s too warm, and comfortable, like he’s sinking into a cloud. “jinyoung, hey, wake up – it’s 6:30, we need to get ready, and i already feel a lot better…”

it’s the last sentence that pushes him awake. jinyoung blinks bleary eyes open and rubs them, inhaling the scent of wood and morning dew. it’s refreshing enough that a window must be open somewhere. jaebeom is looking over him, a smidge too close, and when jinyoung is like this – half conscious, still gathering himself – he finds that it’s _too much_. jinyoung pushes jaebeom away by the shoulder.

“hey, are you alright?” jaebeom frowns. “your face is flushed. you didn’t catch my fever, right? mine is gone, just like i said it would be.”

“no, i’m fine,” jinyoung says roughly, reaching a hand up to rub his face. there’s tell-tale stubble already growing. he freezes, looking around for the staff or the blinking red lights of the cameras all around them. he had forgotten they existed, for a moment.

“they said they wouldn’t film us when we wake up or go to sleep anymore,” jaebeom informs him quietly. “so you don’t have to worry.”

a strange change, since the director had made it clear that they would be under the camera for most of the time, even if there was a high chance of it getting cut out. jinyoung doesn’t question the kindness. “how are you feeling? you said your fever is gone?”

“pretty much. overworked myself, most likely.” jaebeom nods toward a door at the foot of the bed. “i already washed up, so feel free. i’ll make breakfast.”

jinyoung heads to the kitchen twenty minutes later, where jaebeom is already eating. there’s no staff there, either, but jinyoung spots a hidden camera blinking red. they’re never alone, he reminds himself. even if there were minor moments, a couple hours of privacy, they’re never alone.

“this is really good,” jinyoung says through a mouthful of rice. “hyung, you’re a really good cook?”

“you think so?” jaebeom is smiling sheepishly, finishing off his own bowl of rice. jinyoung nods, shamelessly stealing another piece of omelette off of the dish that they share.

he cleverly leads jaebeom into helping grandma in making the sauce for her _ddeokbokki_ , since it’s obvious that between the two of them, jaebeom can cook way better. he picks up the recipe quickly and lets jinyoung fade into the background up until grandma says that while jaebeom’s _ddeok_ tastes good, jinyoung should try making some with his husband, too, leading him into the kitchen. he tries his best to dig his heels in without making it obvious, but he also doesn’t want to be known as _that guy_ on set.

he ends up switching the sugar for salt and, suffice to say, it doesn’t end up well. he had hope for a brief moment that his _ddeok_ was palatable, since jaebeom had downed the bowl that jinyoung gave him to try fairly quickly. since grandma was too far for jinyoung to offer her some, he offered their cameraman a bite, who promptly almost dropped his camera.

horrified, jinyoung spun to jaebeom, who then admitted, “it may have stripped off a layer of my tongue, but other than that, it tasted fine?”

their mission is to sell fifty bowls by the end of the work day. jinyoung is relegated to greeting the customers with a smile and bringing them drinks.

they manage to sell well over fifty, especially since there’s quite a lot of fans that pop up and sit on the sides of the restaurant, giggling and asking where his other half is. he’s sure that his ears are red for most of the day. jaebeom heads out of the kitchen once in a while to bring jinyoung a snack or a drink himself.

in the end, they get an envelope of money – the money they had made for the day, actually, a gift from the grandma that runs the store – to do anything they wanted to with it. jinyoung is tempted to buy wine with it and settle in for a drink, but he knows that the last thing he needs is video evidence of him drunk on national television. jaebeom mulls over it for a while, too, before he suggests, “why don’t we put it toward the house?”

“what house?”

“the one that the producers are planning to buy for us,” jaebeom says plainly. someone coughs in surprise. jinyoung snickers but nods anyway, even though he would have liked for the grandma to get most of the funds. they assure him that anything else that’s made for the week goes to her, anyway.

jinyoung heads to the bathroom first to wash his face, the products that he usually uses residing on the edge of the sink. jaebeom follows right behind him, slyly pointing behind him to show that they want to continue filming.

“but i’m taking off the makeup for the day,” jinyoung says, dumbfounded. “are we filming that too?”

jaebeom raises a brow. “you look fine without makeup.”

“i – “ jinyoung knows that jaebeom doesn’t care either way, but it’s the principle of the matter. the cameras.

his bare face is for jackson, his family, his friends. well, jinyoung thinks to himself as he scrubs his face with the first part of his routine, jaebeom’s in the last bin, might as well. he makes a mental note to tell jackson that they should skip this episode in their review of the show.

jaebeom watches on the side, quiet and contemplative, as jinyoung’s imperfections show one by one; the mole on his cheek, the other one on his lip, the transient rosacea that comes from a rigorous skin care routine.

jaebeom picks one up, reading the bottle. “i don’t think i’ve ever heard of this,” he remarks.

“my noona uses it pretty often,” jinyoung pats his face down with a towel, discreetly angling away from the camera pointed at them. “i stole so much from her that she eventually bought me that brand for my birthday. i’ve been using it since i was a teenager.”

“you have an older sister?”

“two,” jinyoung wishes that he had his hairband to push back the bangs from his eyes. “do you have any siblings?”

jaebeom shakes his head. “i’m an only child.”

he’s still reading the bottle, which prompts jinyoung to ask, “do you want to try it?”

it leaves them leaning over the bathroom counter, jinyoung doing his best to rub the foam of the cleanser into jaebeom’s cheeks. he swipes it over his forehead and his eyebrows, making sure to reach into the deep crevices of his smile lines and around his nose. “you have a big nose,” jinyoung teases, pressing jaebeom’s nose shut so he chokes on the next inhale. jaebeom pinches his side in turn. jinyoung swears and squirms away from him.

“oh god, i can feel it up my nose,” jaebeom groans, his eyes shut since jinyoung had gotten it in there too. “hey, park jinyoung – _park jinyoung_ – “

“you could just open your eyes and see where i am, jaebeom-hyung.”

“ _park jinyoung_ – “ he bumps against the sink and swears, causing jinyoung to laugh even louder at his potty mouth. he eventually takes pity on jaebeom, nudging him toward the sink and washing off his face for him. he makes sure to be thorough so that there’s no excess product near his eyes.

jinyoung pats his face for him. it’s meant to be as condescending as he can make it. “wow, how handsome.”

“you’re horrible.”

they come to a strange standstill when it’s almost time to sleep. jinyoung peers around the small room for cameras, but like jaebeom had said earlier, it really seems like they won’t be filming this part. the ones that had been set up before are all completely gone. he turns to face jaebeom, who shrugs.

“i wonder why,” jinyoung muses to himself, but he doesn’t question it. “hey, hyung. i’m going to take the left side of the futon, alright?”

“what if i want the left side?”

“well,” jinyoung pretends to think about it. “too bad?” he jumps into the bed and settles himself against the left side, the one closest to the wall. he digs out a book from his bag and looks through it for his glasses.

“you look smart,” jaebeom teases now as jinyoung blinks after they’re on. everything is suddenly in high definition, even jaebeom’s bare face. he looks older without makeup. “what are you reading?”

jinyoung turns the face of the book toward him, pen already slipping from his hand. jaebeom, to his surprise, settles in close enough that their shoulders can touch. he’s warm.

“blonote?” jaebeom reads off curiously. his wired earphones hang over his neck. “tablo? are you writing in it?”

“yeah,” jinyoung opens up to the first page, elegant korean printed in the middle of a crisp page. he’s always loved the feel of books. “it’s just… a habit i got into.”

“what? come on, i won’t judge.”

jinyoung glances at him briefly, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. “i like to read what he says and then write what they mean to me. what i’m thinking that day. it could be long or short; sometimes i write on a page more than once. it’s just something that – “ _calms me down,_ jinyoung doesn’t say. _my therapist said to try it out despite how stupid it makes me feel,_ jinyoung doesn’t say.

true to his word, though, jaebeom doesn’t make fun of him. he reaches over to flip to a random page with ink marks on them, one of the ones that jinyoung had written on.

“ _when i finish work late, i wish home would come to me_ ,” he reads at first, voice low and pleasing to the ears. his fingers trace jinyoung’s own handwriting right underneath the printed words. “when i’m on set, or singing, or dancing, i feel like there’s nowhere else i want to be. i like it so much it feels like a chore to go back home. so then, i wonder, where am i going when i head back to the apartment?”

for some reason, jinyoung lets jaebeom keep reading.

“ _the things we let go are still reaching out for us_. today, for our show, we took care of a bunch of kids. they were so fun. some of them reached for me, uncaring of what i looked like or how funny i was, just because i smiled at them and had fun. if there’s a jinyoung in another universe, he would a preschool teacher, and he would read them stories about warrior princesses and dragons until they fell asleep. in that universe, jinyoung is tired, but happy.”

that was last summer, wasn’t it? it had been stupidly hot that day.

“ _happy birthday, mom._ i miss you.”

does he miss her?

“ _falling is also part of flying_. i don’t want to do either. it’s scary to do both, because – “

“i get hurt either way,” jinyoung finishes, blinking down at the words, tired.

“jinyoung,” jaebeom begins, and jinyoung doesn’t need to look at him to know that his jaw is working something fierce. he looks like he’s at a loss for words. in their corner, in the dim lit room where jinyoung grasps onto the tenuous strings of privacy they’re awarded, he shrugs.

“sometimes i’m grateful that i’m not as famous,” jinyoung begins, “but then other times, it feels like no one listens to me.”

jaebeom exhales shakily. “i get that.”

“it helps,” he starts suddenly, turning his head around to meet jaebeom’s eyes steadfastly. there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing. _it’s embarrassing but it’s yours, and it helps, so who cares?_ jinyoung’s therapist says in his head. “doing this. it helps. if i write it down here, then it doesn’t stick around and come back at the worst times. i do it to all of my books.”

jaebeom licks his dry mouth. “i used to write lyrics in the corner of my textbooks in school. i could never focus on class. there was always some song stuck in my head, and i wanted to dance it out or write it out.”

he sounds so careful, like he doesn’t want to give away too much, and for the first time jinyoung wonders if he’s truly been the only one hiding themselves behind the easy veneer of the show.

“want to try?” he offers thoughtlessly.

jaebeom flips through the pages in response until settling on one specific page. there’s nothing written on it. jaebeom takes the pen from jinyoung’s hands.

 _among the countless things the two of us can share, silence seems to be the most valuable._ jinyoung’s eyes float down to the words underneath, written in jaebeom’s lopsided handwriting. _whether it’s silence or conversation, i think it would be difficult for me to feel uncomfortable with you, jinyoung._

jinyoung pauses for a moment, and while jaebeom’s watching, writes down his reply: _keep thinking that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twt: @xiajin_twt 
> 
> i took so long to update ; - ;


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello........ we have some....deep conversations 
> 
> some... pining perhaps?

_i wonder if this is how people get close;  
_ _they heal each other's wounds -  
_ _they repair the broken skin_. 

lauren oliver, pandemonium. 

/

near the last day of their week as a working couple, jinyoung finds himself swept up in a game of cards with a couple of _ahjussis_ that have sat down at the corner of the store. it’s the day of one of their festivals, so there aren’t many people wandering into the shop. grandma had taken some time to prepare a stall to sell food and insisted that he and jaebeom take a break and go explore the town for the last few hours of their stay.

jinyoung listened carefully as one of the older men explained a _go_ strategy to him, showing jinyoung just how to go about it. he practices it with the other up until jaebeom settles down across from him, insisting that he can play as well. jinyoung quickly posits himself as the other’s opponent. armed with knowledge of how to crush jaebeom’s _go_ playing spirit, jinyoung is confident that he’ll win.

he doesn’t win.

he gapes unattractively at the board, betrayed, as their little crowd hoots at the unexpected turnover. jaebeom is smiling at him, a simple press of the lips that belies a hint of smugness hidden under an modest visage that quickly makes jinyoung’s temper rise enough for him to snap, frustrated, “you _cheated_ , did y’all see that?”

it comes out a little stressed and in strong _satoori_ , immediately outing him. jinyoung jerks and covers his mouth, laughing a little bit in disbelief at jaebeom, himself, and the outrageous result in front of him. the people around him burst out into horrendous cackles at his little slip.

jinyoung huffs, even as jaebeom almost falls over in his chair laughing. “what – what was that?”

“why,” jinyoung starts, still keeping his dialect. it can’t be said that park jinyoung doesn’t stick to his guns. “am i not supposed to talk now? huh?”

“ _no,_ i just didn’t know you had an accent – “

“oh,” jinyoung blinks, smiling slyly, “are you one of those people that likes it? should i call you that? _haengnim_ ,” he drawls, leaning across the _go_ board. jinyoung snickers at the wild blush that rises to jaebeom’s face.

“stop that,” jaebeom says, reaching over to pinch his ear. he likes doing that now, jinyoung scowls, batting his hand away in annoyance.

“why? isn’t _satoori_ charming?”

“you’re too much,” jaebeom mumbles underneath his breath. jinyoung’s grin gets wider. he may have lost the _go_ game (which is _bullshit_ ) but he’s still got the upper hand here. in a rare, wicked show, he settles down next to jaebeom and tugs at his arm. “ _haengnim_ ,” he insists, pulling jaebeom closer to him with no little strength, “don’t you think i’m charming?”

jinyoung didn’t know a person could turn that delightfully red.

“what’s wrong with you,” he starts, laughing while pulling away from jaebeom. “guys go crazy over _oppaya_ , not _haengnim_ , you weirdo.”

“stop talking in _satoori_.”

jinyoung pretends to think about it. “how ‘bout no?”

just to annoy jaebeom into flushing, jinyoung keeps up the satoori for the rest of the evening. he adequately charms the people of the town with a curling smile and slow-drawled words.

/

_how do you feel now that the week is coming to an end?_

a little lost, to be honest. i really liked it. it was nice to just … spend time with jinyoung.

_you seemed to like his satoori a lot._

haha. ha… next question, please.

_you’ve gotten a lot closer! even sleeping on the same bed?_

yeah… i think jinyoung has a lot of deep thoughts, which suits me fine, because i have a lot of them too. sometimes they keep me awake at night, and i think they keep him up too. what’s nice is that when we’re together, i don’t have to think of anything at all. it’s quiet. peaceful.

/

he doesn’t have to go film for the show for the next three weeks, not two, as he had once been told. on one hand, jinyoung feels as though it’s like a little vacation – he doesn’t have to keep the constant lights and lenses in mind, but on the other hand, he’s not really sure what to do when he’s alone with all this free time. as november begins to end and december crawls closer, he realizes that he has nothing to do with his free time.

so he does nothing at all, and it’s amazing.

he’s paid well by the doing the show with jaebeom, and the time alone is desperately needed. he reads all the books on the top shelf of his bookcase, ignores jackson’s calls for a day straight, orders in takeout for an entire day before he tries to follow a youtube video on how to bake bread, and doesn’t bother to change out of his pajamas. he’s not worried about money, about acting, about commercials or songs or dances or stages or –

he’s sinking into his bed and living deeper in it, spinning his way into a new dream.

and then, when he’s cleaning up his apartment after weeks of literal disorganization, his playlist skips to a familiar voice. jinyoung had forgotten that he added jaebeom’s recent songs to his playlist, but his soothing and husky voice soars through the air as jinyoung cleans.

at some point, jinyoung even takes a screenshot of it and sends it to jaebeom, stating that he’s enjoying the new album.

sometime during the night, bambam starts a group chat with yugyeom, youngjae, jinyoung and jaebeom. he declares that _they’re now friends and if anyone doesn’t like it, well, they can go suck ass._ youngjae promptly replies with, _lets be nice to each other ^^_ and yugyeom sends a weird kaomoji that involves sparkles and big anime eyes in text form. bambam says, _i may or may not be hungry and missing your faces so please tell me when we can get barbeque. jaebeom-hyung is paying._

jaebeom, predictably, goes, _are you kidding me?_

yugyeom: _oldest hyung pays!_

jinyoung is fighting with the cord of his vacuum cleaner when his phone goes off quickly. he gives up and crawls over to answer, settling against the edge of his bed. jaebeom continues to argue, stating that yugyeom is a bottomless pit and he’d happily pay for youngjae. youngjae sends a frowny face and asks, _what about jinyoung-hyung?_

bambam says that jinyoung should pay for them too, since he should be rolling in dough by now. jinyoung rolls his eyes. the only dough he’s got around here is the failed mess that had been an attempt at homemade bread. _jaebeom-hyung can pay ^^_

 _i’m going to pay?_ jinyoung can practically see the way jaebeom smiles when he’s trying hard not to laugh, but ready to give in nonetheless. jinyoung: _yup._

_ok then. where do you want to eat?_

_jaebeom-hyung you can’t be like that, that’s just disgusting,_ yugyeom immediately answers.

 _whipped culture ^^_ is youngjae’s two cents.

bambam just sends a sticker of ryan sighing.

jinyoung doesn’t try too hard to dress himself up, since it’s just dinner. a warm grey hoodie for the quickly worsening weather, a cap and a scarf, his jeans. jinyoung grabs his phone and calls jaebeom almost immediately as he gets outside of his apartment. “hey, hyung, are you going to drive to that address i told you about?”

“ _yeah, bambam and yugyeom crashed my apartment, so i’m coming with them_ ,” jaebeom says, long suffering. “ _youngjae says he might or might not come later, since he’s out with a friend right now_.”

“okay,” jinyoung rocks back on his heels as he stands in front of the closest barbeque restaurant to his apartment. “i’ll see you, then.”

he watches the newest episode of a drama on his phone, pressed against the window of the restaurant and soaking in the warmth he can feel until his friends – friends other than jackson – get here. jinyoung finds that he can’t focus on his drama at all, waiting for the moment they all show up.

he hears them before he sees them, heading down the street. bambam and yugyeom’s arms are already around each other. they drag each other down before catching sight of jinyoung. as they break out into a run, jinyoung has to side step before they crash into him.

“wow, that’s mean,” yugyeom starts, digging his heels in deep so they won’t hit the doorpost. “hyung, how can you be like that?” then yugyeom catches sight of jinyoung’s hair. “did you just _roll out of bed?_ ”

yugyeom, jinyoung has noticed, never has a hair out of place. he wouldn’t admit it under pain of death, but he is, in fact, a little jealous.

bambam slings an arm around jinyoung instead and they head inside.

the smell of meat is tantalizing, and the longer that they remain inside the restaurant without actually eating, the hungrier jinyoung gets. he settles down in a seat next to jaebeom since yugyeom had nearly thrown himself against one of the booths, dragging bambam down with him a moment later. jinyoung can already feel the pain from both of those long-legged monsters kicking him underneath the table.

jinyoung takes the seat on the inside, closer to the heater, and jaebeom sits near the walkway.

despite yugyeom and bambam’s inane, excited chatter (resembling two overly excited hamsters than people, but amusing nonetheless) jinyoung finds that he gets sleepier the more they progress through the night. he’s filled with good food, good company, and a lightness in his bones that he hasn’t felt in a long, long time.

“hey, hyung, don’t fall asleep at the table,” yugyeom jokes, even though he looks genuinely worried. he had been taking care of grilling the whole time. jaebeom pauses from where he’s shoving a wrap in his mouth – which, did he finish that in one bite? what the fuck – but he’s quickly turning to jinyoung and gently poking him in the side.

 _tired?_ jaebeom’s curious quirk of the head reads.

jinyoung waves his hand a little. _just a little bit._

“are they actually married?” bambam mutters to yugyeom, watching the nonverbal conversation.

“right?” yugyeom agrees, putting another piece of meat on bambam’s plate. “just eat as much as you can, since jaebeom-hyung always tries to get out of paying some way or another.”

“hey, i do _not_. i always pay for you guys in the end!”

“yeah, _after_ we complain a little. gyeom and i just want a free meal in relative ease, thanks.”

“you have at least four gucci jackets in your personal closet!”

“that’s why bambam is broke now, hyung! keep up, man.”

“exactly, gyeom gets it.”

jinyoung is floating in and out of sleep, tapping his chopsticks against the edge of his dish. all that he can manage are languid smiles and the occasional giggle here or there. when yugyeom sends him a finger heart, jinyoung sends it back thoughtlessly, which sends yugyeom in a fit of high-pitched laughter.

“hey, you’re slouching,” jaebeom points out.

“i can’t lean against the edge, it hurts too much.”

jaebeom pats his shoulder and then his lap. “choose one?”

jinyoung looks him dead in the eyes as he says, “ew.”

bambam laughs so hard he chokes.

jinyoung does eventually take the offer, pressing his cheek against the curve of jaebeom’s shoulder. he’s quite broad shouldered, jinyoung notes, as his blinking grows more and more sluggish as time passes. he doesn’t even notice when he’s knocked out until someone is shaking him awake, the grill in front of him is empty.

on autopilot, jinyoung mumbles, “i didn’t bring my wallet.” someone else was going to pay. was it jackson?

a voice right next to his ear splutters. “you didn’t – you didn’t even bring your wallet?”

jinyoung comes back to consciousness slowly. he pulls away from his makeshift pillow and presses at his warm cheek, rubbing away indentation that’s likely to have formed. jaebeom gazes down at him with a smile. “you drool a little in your sleep, did you know that?”

“do not,” jinyoung immediately denies, wiping at his mouth surreptitiously. “you have no place to talk, you snore.”

“i _don’t snore_.”

“there’s video evidence of you snoring. like a bear. loudly. do you have something stuck in your windpipe?”

“they didn’t air that,” jaebeom mutters underneath his breath.

“it doesn’t matter, i was _right next to you_.”

“this is a lot of information that you probably shouldn’t be revealing in public,” yugyeom says gleefully, gently patting the table to remind them to keep it down. bambam is smirking. they both look like they know something that jinyoung doesn’t.

“honestly, though, it’s nice to know and see that you guys enjoy each other’s company outside of the show, too. we’ve seen a lot of stars come in that show no interest until it’s time to film. but some of them stay as friends after the show, too.”

“i heard that there used to be contracts making sure that the couples wouldn’t keep in contact afterward,” jaebeom says easily, taking out his wallet as the waiter comes by to clean up a little. “but i didn’t get anything about that.”

“i didn’t get anything either,” jinyoung adds.

yugyeom and bambam share a look.

“to be honest, hyung,” he begins without any true direction of who he’s talking to, “i’m pretty sure no one thought that you guys would be as popular as you are. it was really that first episode that made you super popular.”

“they also might have stopped using those contracts,” bambam adds thoughtfully. “if anyone found out about it that would be pretty bad for the show. especially since the entire point of the show is about _being married_.”

“i never watched this show, no matter how popular it was, before i started,” jinyoung admits. “i couldn’t really stomach it. they played right into the hypocritical standards set up for celebrities to be available to everyone but somehow an on-camera romance was okay?”

jaebeom scoffs. “and if you were to date someone you chose on your own, it’s a scandal. love is only good if it’s for the camera.”

he falls quiet a moment after, his expression mirroring jinyoung’s. because they both know the truth about this: they can have as much fun on camera as they want, but outside of the clearly demarcated lines? it’s easier, safer for people at their level and their popularity, to follow the rules. neither jinyoung nor jaebeom can afford otherwise. at least, not until now.

“why did you guys decide to do it then?” yugyeom asks, not accusatory, just curious. “i’m glad you did, or else i would have never met you hyungs, but why did you do it?”

jinyoung looks away. he did it because he just wasn’t _popular_ , had been coasting along his career so far with not much thought about the future because it frightened him, and he did it – in the end – because he was told to. and because some small part of him was - desperate.

“i just wanted…” jaebeom starts abruptly, startling all of them with an actual answer. he looks as far away as jinyoung feels. “well. i don’t know what i wanted.”

jinyoung jumps on the chance to change the topic as the night comes to a close and the waiter ushers them to pay at the front. he lingers while jaebeom is taking out his card, wondering for a moment just how much they’ve eaten.

the other must see his hesitance, because he waves away any question jinyoung may have asked him. “don’t worry about it. i’ve been treating them out a lot in addition to youngjae, so this is nothing i’m not used to. jackson, too, eats up a lot of my money.” the lopsided smile on his face tells jinyoung that he doesn’t really mind, though. he comes to the abrupt realization that he hasn’t seen jaebeom so laid back and happy in a while.

“you like it,” he tries out. “being with all of us?”

jaebeom just shrugs, embarrassed.

“it’s been a little quiet without the weekly filming.”

“well,” jinyoung starts, “anytime you want to hang out, i’m free.” and he finds that he actually means it.

/

“alright, jinyoung, this is enough. c’mon, we’re leaving, you homebody.”

jackson barges into his life the way that he always does. snapback in place, face bare of makeup and his phone held firmly in his hand, jackson meets jinyoung at his door early in the morning and without an ounce of shame. jinyoung is still in his boxers when he answers the door at seven am, squinting and cursing in his head at whoever decided they would disrupt him _this_ early. even his manager doesn’t bother to talk to jinyoung before nine am on an off day.

“we’re going to spend some time together,” jackson says as he pushes past and heads straight for jinyoung’s closet. “because i haven’t seen my closest and loveliest friend in _ages_ , and i need my scheduled jinyoung time, alright, so choose an outfit from what i’ve thrown there and let’s get going. bring your wallet, because i’m not jaebeom-hyung, and you’re going to pay for half of our breakfast.”

jinyoung groans, suddenly overcome with the urge to tug at his hair. he has a mild headache that has been moving from his temple down to the back of his neck. “are you really jealous of my on-screen husband right now?”

“that dinner was _not_ on screen,” jackson sulks. “and you didn’t even invite me!”

“you were in hong kong.”

“it’s the thought that counts,” jackson raises a brow. “now choose.”

and, of course, he piles out all of the sports wear that jinyoung has in his closet. he rolls his eyes and pushes jackson aside, pulling out a pair of pants and a button up to go with it. jackson floats to his kitchen, bringing up a pot of coffee.

jinyoung is in the midst of fixing his hair when jackson’s done prepping the coffee. he pours a cup for the both of them. sighing, jackson watches him fiddle with his bangs. “it would be nice if we could eat here, but i don’t ever want to try your cooking again. who eats that much spice? let’s go get breakfast at the café down the street.”

grumpy at the slight toward his culinary skills, jinyoung makes sure that he has no cash in his wallet (so if they were to get anything under a certain price, jackson would have to pay with cash, since he’s always got some on him) and nabs his coat and scarf before following behind jackson into the cold december day.

“i hope it snows soon,” jackson sighs, holding a bare hand out toward the sky. he looks like a man straight out a book cover like that. “i haven’t seen snow in a while, i kind of miss it.”

“were you absent for our blizzard last year?”

“yeah,” jackson says quietly, leaning in close so he can bump shoulders with jinyoung. his newly dyed black hair is tucked into his cap, a mask hiding him from the public’s eye. jinyoung thinks he looks different enough without a day’s shave and his own glasses.

they’re about to head to the café that jackson had brought up before when they’re blindsided by jinyoung’s face on a poster on a shop they pass by. it’s a skin care shop, and the poster is of jinyoung and jaebeom’s couple photoshoot on the beach. more specifically, it’s of the both of them resting on the sand, their skin lit up by the sun and dewy with water. jackson spies it first, because of course he does, and practically _drags_ jinyoung over to ogle at it.

“jackson,” he starts, annoyed and a little flustered, as the other takes a bunch of pictures. “seriously?”

“hold up, stand there,” jackson demands, pushing jinyoung to stand in front of the poster. he looks around, a little nervous for no particular reason, and then asks for jinyoung to hold up a peace sign or do _something_ with his body. in response, jinyoung leans back against the glass slightly and tugs up his scarf over the bottom half of his face to cover his five o clock shadow.

“oh, that’s a cute photo!” jackson crows, making the people around them turn to look. jinyoung hides his face in his hands, groaning. “that’s cute too! okay, now come here – i’m texting these to you. gimme your phone.”

jinyoung doesn’t bother fighting him, handing over his phone in a resigned manner. he pushes them toward the direction of the café since his stomach is really beginning to protest now. jackson only hands him back his phone when jinyoung has already ordered for the both of them and offers jackson his usual green tea.

“thank me later,” he says, taking a sip of his tea.

jinyoung idly looks at his phone screen and nearly _boggles_ at the amount of instagram notifications he has.

“did you know you have almost a million followers on instagram?” jackson asks sweetly. “me including, of course. the last time you checked, it was around two hundred thousand, right? you should follow jaebeom-hyung too. i tagged him on your recent photo for you.”

“a million?” jinyoung can’t get his sentences out straight. “jaebeom – _tagged?_ ”

“did i break you?”

jinyoung slumps down in his chair, wanting to curl up further into himself the more notifications he gets. jackson had posted the two images he had taken of jinyoung in front of the poster. the caption reads, _missing you even when i see you on the street_ , and it’s so stupid and short and definitely something jinyoung would say that _none_ of the people who follow him question it at all. in fact, most of the comments, a mix of korean and english and thai and everything in between, are supportive and definitely screeching over how cute they are.

“i’m going to kill you,” jinyoung says faintly, a mettle of calm falling over his shoulders. jackson must see it too, because he rushes out of his seat to grab their breakfast. “ _jackson_ ,” jinyoung grits underneath his breath.

another ding, this time from kakaotalk, grabs his attention. jinyoung turns off the rest of his notifications until he has time to silence instagram permanently.

_you miss me even when i’m not there? kekekek_

jinyoung flushes a horrible, splotchy red.

 _jackson posted that i thought he wanted to just keep the pictures for himself,_ jinyoung answers furiously. _why did you see that? jackson said he tagged you but i didn’t read your name on the caption_

 _he tagged my face in the post, lol._ a brief pause. _i followed you, so you should follow me back ^^_

jinyoung hesitantly moves to instagram again, going back to his photo and finding jaebeom’s contact from there. he follows almost immediately. his eyes catch onto the first photo there, which is – which is –

 _hyung,_ jinyoung almost cracks his phone screen as he answers jaebeom, _i’m going to kill you. take that photo down!_

jaebeom’s most recent post is a dusky picture of jinyoung at a low angle, obviously sleeping on someone’s shoulder. a familiar shoulder. he can see jaebeom’s dangling earring and a curl of his hair against his neck. and, more embarrassingly, jinyoung’s mouth is a little bit open, his face half squished against jaebeom and _not_ attractive at all. the lights of the restaurant they had been at with yugyeom and bambam do nothing to hide jinyoung’s sleeping face.

he groans, pushing his coffee away to rest his head on the table.

“i love you too,” jackson says merrily, placing their breakfast toast on the table. “i’m guessing you saw jaebeom-hyung’s post? i got back at him for you with this!”

“how is this getting back at him?” jinyoung asks, still muffled. “i’m the only one losing face here.”

that gives jackson pause. he shrugs. “well, it’s fun for me, at least, and that’s what really matters.”

jinyoung’s head snaps up and he glares at jackson. “you – is this because i didn’t invite you to that dinner? you were in _another country!_ ”

jackson sips his tea again. “you’re not the only petty one in this friendship.”

 _it’s a good picture :D_ is what jaebeom replies, and jinyoung hates that he knows the way jaebeom must look with that exact smile; eyes crinkled, teeth white. _i’m sure yugyeom took more of you, so i’m definitely not the worst._

_you’re the worst for not stopping them._

_but you looked so cute and relaxed :D_

jinyoung purses his lips and raises a hand to pat his face. “do you think i look stressed?”

jackson doesn’t look away from where he’s on his own phone. “sometimes, but that’s because you _are_ stressed all the time. the only time i haven’t seen you worked up over something is when you’re filming a drama or when you’re filming wgm.”

“i,” jinyoung doesn’t know what to say to that, so he doesn’t say anything. he sends a short _i look the same_ to jaebeom and sets his phone aside focus on his breakfast. the coffee is just beginning to wake him up and his toast is warm and buttery as he bites into it.

as the minutes pass and jackson keeps up a low, steady stream of chatter, jinyoung finds that he had missed this. maybe he had been stressed and didn’t realize it. he feels a lot better now that he’s outside, even though there are some patrons of the café that are beginning to whisper and look in their direction.

it’s never been something that jinyoung has had to experience, random faces and people knowing who he is and not the other way around. it’s such an out of body experience that jinyoung finds it awkward to even eat, unsure if someone is taking a picture of him or not.

jackson picks up on this quickly. “it’s like this all the time, you know, back in china. i have a bigger fanbase there than i do here. one time it got so bad that a fan followed me down the street, even when i went to a back alley to lose her. some places in china aren’t safe, so i had to get the manager that was taking care of me there to send her home. i couldn’t even do it myself, since that would get word out quickly.”

“you never told me this,” jinyoung says.

jackson shrugs. “what was there to say? and you were always so down that you weren’t more popular. and it’s not like i didn’t feel the same, at one point – the more well known we are, the easier our lives are in one aspect. we can eat, drink, and live comfortably doing what we love to do. but then we’ll never be alone while always feeling lonely, if that makes sense.”

jinyoung makes eye contact with a girl sitting a couple of seats behind jackson, who has her phone out. a sick feeling falls to the pit of his stomach.

“it does,” jinyoung says. it makes more and more sense the bigger he and jaebeom get.

/

and yet, he can’t seem to stop filming. his managers and the pr team all agree that this is the biggest short term rise of any idol (and therefore, their company’s stocks and public image) that they’ve seen in ages. while most other couples come from different entertainment agencies, they had lucked out since jinyoung and jaebeom are signed to the same one. that makes the process of getting them on variety shows much, much easier.

and it should be strange, and weird, that they’re bringing this fake marriage outside of their little show. jinyoung has gotten used to being with jaebeom in front of the wgm director’s eyes, which have always been patient and understanding despite the show she films. she doesn’t push their boundaries more than what’s necessary, and always informs them of what they’ll be doing in advance to the best of her abilities. jinyoung hadn’t realized how good he had it with that director until he and jaebeom are booked the week before christmas on a number of popular shows, such as _running man_ and _knowing brothers_.

he and jaebeom are dressed up and packaged for the general public, given lines and short to-dos and not to-dos, and for some strange reason – they don’t fuck it up.

displays of affection are easy between them. jaebeom’s face is expressive, even when he’s not saying anything, and they always meet each other’s eyes easily. he’s good at sending short messages with his smile or his half cocked eyebrow even when they’re physically apart, and jinyoung is good at sending them back. he’s naturally a little clingy, his affection for others coming through with good-natured teasing of jaebeom’s hair or how long it takes him to answer questions, and jinyoung very easily folds into jaebeom’s side or slings an arm around his shoulders when they’re on camera. in essence –

“are you sure you guys aren’t dating for real?” youngjae asks, prodding jinyoung’s eyebags with makeup. “it sure seems real.”

“we’re good friends,” jinyoung says, because that much is true: he spends most of his days now with jaebeom, whether it be for the show or not. he’s just – amazed at how much someone else can just… _get him_. “that’s all?”

youngjae snorts, flicking aside a piece of his very blue, very fetching hair. “okay, sure. i’m just saying – he doesn’t look at _any_ of his close friends the way he looks at you.”

“we have to look that way for the show,” jinyoung adds. “the whole loving look – “

youngjae shakes his head, cutting him off. “hey, yugyeom, c’mere! show jinyoung-hyung the picture you showed me.”

“why?”

“he thinks jaebeom-hyung treats him like a very good friend.”

yugyeom’s head pops out of a corner of the door to the makeup room. he raises an eyebrow. “yeah, maybe a very good friend he wants to make out with once in a while. and grope while watching a movie. what is it that the kids say now? netflix and chilling?”

“ _you’re_ a kid,” youngjae says, unimpressed.

“i’m an in-betweener generation called _fucked_ because we’re just royally fucked. not a millennial, but not gen z. get your facts straight, grandpa.”

“i’m _one year older than you,_ ” youngjae sighs, exasperated. “seriously, just come here.”

yugyeom opens up a photo of him and jaebeom at a recent radio interview, where neither he nor jaebeom put a lot of thought into looking good. it’s obvious by the way jinyoung is still wearing his glasses and his he’s in a comfortable cardigan and jeans. jaebeom is worse, in a baggy hoodie with his hair half tied back and sweats, but they’re both laughing at something the mc had said.

this must be the video recording of that time. jinyoung forgot that it was even a thing.

in the photo, jaebeom is staring at jinyoung with a half-smile on his face, fond and open and so earnest it hurts, as jinyoung uses his hands to animatedly talk about something. maybe his experience while filming his historical drama – jinyoung can only remember getting excited about that part during the show. while jinyoung had been explaining how the costuming worked, jaebeom had been watching him.

jinyoung pushes the phone away, his face feeling warm.

“nothing to explain, hyung?” youngjae asks softly, so kind and gentle, like he has an inkling of an idea of what jinyoung is going through.

“i have to go on set,” he breathes eventually, pulling away. “the last one before the year comes, right?”

“right,” yugyeom says, face falling in disappointment. jinyoung misses the way he and youngjae share a look, too busy with heading to whatever set the show has prepared for him this time.

as it grows closer to christmas, jinyoung finds himself wondering what he’s accomplished for the year. he’s done a couple of commercials, had a minor part in a show, but nothing else major – not compared to the dragon that had been his imminent drag into popularity with his fake marriage. but he gained new people to count on. bambam, youngjae, and yugyeom have become dear juniors that he’s only had fun with, and he’s met jaebeom, who has made his life so, so much better.

on christmas day itself, jinyoung isn’t doing anything. he’s filmed everything he needs in the previous weeks, using up all the holiday cheer he could possibly provide. he’s left sitting on his couch, eating snacks straight from the bag and curling his legs underneath himself so his ankles stop feeling so cold. jinyoung watches some of the dramas that are currently running with tired, hollow eyes, somehow more drained in this one day than he’s felt in the past few months combined.

outside, it’s already begun to snow ever so gently, a sweet layer of cold ice resting over everything. it’s not a blizzard, but rather a greeting for the winter season. it causes a cold draft to breeze inside jinyoung’s studio apartment.

he doesn’t bother to turn on any more lights after the dimmed lamp at the corner of his room. he feels listless, sapped of energy, and strangely melancholy. it’s almost as if there’s something in him that’s preventing jinyoung from being ecstatic and content about his hard-earned time alone.

it comes slowly to him when he flips through the channels and lands on the episode of him and jaebeom doing _running man_ together. the edits are funny and personable, playing off of their words to each other, but yugyeom’s pictures still remain stark in his head. he pushes it aside, focusing on the way jaebeom is grinning at his loss shamefully, running a hand through his hair. on-screen jinyoung runs his hands through jaebeom’s bangs a moment later. he still remembers how it had felt, soft and silky-smooth between his fingers.

he realizes it then, when the camera pans to on-screen jaebeom and jinyoung – full face of makeup, clothes carefully chosen – leaning into each other and laughing. that he feels… lonely.

there’s a difference between on-screen jinyoung and jaebeom and the jinyoung that sits on his couch, in his comfiest clothes and day-old unwashed hair, face lit by the glow of the tv screen. the person on the screen feels like someone else entirely. who is that jinyoung? he looks so happy?

he goes to shut off the tv when his phone pings. jinyoung checks it almost immediately, wanting any excuse to look away from the program, but he’s faced with jaebeom’s name illuminating his notifications.

jinyoung opens it anyway. jaebeom’s sent him a picture of a loaf of bread, freshly baked. _i tried the recipe you sent me that you said was impossible to follow – it didn’t turn out too bad!_

scoffing, jinyoung doesn’t realize he’s smiling as he responds. _that’s just because you’re good at baking. i’m not, which is why mine came out bad. if i had more practice i could do it too._

_big talk for someone who showed me the burnt remains of their fitfh try. want me to teach you sometime?_

_this is offensive. i’m blocking you._

_kekek. ok ok ok sorry, i’ll stop. did you eat yet?_

jinyoung looks down at his bag of shrimp flavored chips. _not really, no. i was going to order fried chicken._

_i’m making stir-fried glass noodles. want to come over?_

_does hyung miss me?_

_i just have too much, don’t be silly. why would i miss you?_

_you miss meeeeeee!_

_i think_ you _miss_ me.

_who texted me first?_

_in all fairness, i always text you first, but you always keep the conversation going. and you’re the one who is always hanging around when we meet irl, always with your ‘hyung~’ and teasing, so it makes sense that you miss me more._

jinyoung grumbles to himself. “i don’t do that.”

_what are you even saying right now? my voice has never done a ‘`~” ever in its entire life._

_ha! now_ that’s _a lie._

despite himself, jinyoung finds that he’s laughing at their texts. jaebeom asks again a moment later, _seriously, do you want to come over for dinner? maybe i should have asked that first? no worries if you have special plans for today, even with a special someone._

jinyoung stares at the words, breath caught in his throat, unsure of how to feel. he doesn’t have anyone special, not the way that jaebeom is insinuating, at least. he wonders if jaebeom does, but then – he wouldn’t be inviting jinyoung over if he did, right? maybe he feels strange being alone on a holiday for couples, too. who better to spend it with than his fake husband, right?

_send me your address._

jinyoung shows up with a pack of beer, even though he knows he probably won’t be drinking himself. he’s given himself nearly no time to look any better than this, since jaebeom has seen him at worse, so what does it matter? he also doesn’t want to think of the ramifications of what it means to – to dress himself up or look better to have dinner at jaebeom’s apartment. because that’s not what it is.

jaebeom opens the door in ratty sweatpants and a large black shirt, his long hair tied up into a half pony-tail and the crown of his head. his piercings are all out and he looks intensely comfortable, and it makes jinyoung want to reach out and hug him.

“hey, you’re here,” jaebeom ushers him inside. “is that beer? ah, my favorite brand!”

“really?” jinyoung licks his dry bottom lip. “it’s my favorite too, which is why i bought it.”

“no joke?” jaebeom takes the case and pops two cans out, setting them aside. “it’ll go well with the food.”

“oh, well, it’s more for you. i’m not here to drink. i’m not good with alcohol, actually.”

“huh,” jaebeom pauses, looking at jinyoung in surprise, his head cocked to the side. “you know… i can actually believe that.”

“ _hey_ – “

“alright, no drinks,” jaebeom grins, setting the beer aside. “does water work for his highness?”

jinyoung gets comfortable in jaebeom’s apartment. it’s a little bit larger than his own, well-lived in. the décor is both chic in black and white and warm with the brown wood furnishings. there’s a bookshelf set all the way in the back that’s stacked with books of all shapes and sizes, all the way to the top, and jinyoung finds himself drawn there despite himself. on one shelf that’s at eye level, a framed picture boasts of a winsome family; someone who could only be little jaebeom and his parents, smiling widely at the camera. next to the image is a smaller photo, nearly a fourth of the framed one, with a man who bears a striking resemblance to adult jaebeom.

“those are my parents,” jaebeom’s voice says from right behind him, and jinyoung startles badly enough to knock his elbow into the bookshelf. jaebeom’s hands steady him, squeezing his elbow briefly in apology. jaebeom nods his head toward the frame, but his face is – different. his jaw is tense, jutted a little forward. “my mom and dad.”

jinyoung’s gaze flickers back to the image. they roam right to the little picture in the corner, and then to jaebeom next to him, how he’s turned away from meeting jinyoung’s eyes.

“your collection is really nice,” jinyoung says eventually, reaching forward to brush his fingers over a set of murakami books translated into korean, located right next to the framed photo. “did you read everything?”

he feels more than sees jaebeom’s shoulders lose their tension. he exhales, slow and steady, as if he’s timing himself. and then he says, low and more like the jaebeom jinyoung is used to hearing, “yeah, i have, actually. there’s not a single book here that i haven’t read.”

“i think i’ve read most of the ones on this shelf, and the one above it, but i’m not a big fan of memoirs. you seem to like those a lot.”

“i’ve been getting into them more than i have fiction, in the past few years,” jaebeom admits. “i guess it’s something about their struggle that speaks to me. it felt like i was connecting with another human, if that makes sense.”

jinyoung reads the titles in a cursory manner. he makes a curious noise. “i guess, in a way, it does.”

jaebeom’s _japchae_ is spicy and well made, fresh off the stove, and laden with veggies and little octopus-shaped hotdogs. it’s food that his mom would have made for him when he was younger, jinyoung thinks, stuffing an entire octopus-dog in his mouth when he has the chance. it’s only when jinyoung looks up from a mouthful to praise jaebeom on his cooking again does he notice the _sheer amount_ of noodles jaebeom stuffs into his mouth at the next bite. the other freezes from where he meets jinyoung’s eyes across the table.

then, in the next moment, he slurps it all up.

“did you just unhinge your _jaw?_ ” jinyoung boggles, bringing a hand up to his own jaw as if he’s feeling pain at the very thought.

“no, i just take very big bites,” jaebeom says defensively, and jinyoung notices that his next bite is at least three times smaller. and by that, jinyoung means that it’s the same as the ones he takes.

“hyung,” he starts, amused, “if you want to eat a lot, eat a lot. it’s your house and your cooking, you don’t have to be embarrassed, i was just surprised – i didn’t know your mouth could open that wide.”

“haha,” jaebeom mutters, but returns back to his big bites. jinyoung tries not to react, but when jaebeom’s cheeks puff up like a chipmunk’s, he finds himself snorting and rushing to hold a hand over his mouth as the feeling of spice rises up his nostrils.

jaebeom, of course, notices it. he points his chopsticks at jinyoung. “i _knew_ you were going to laugh at me. listen, this is just how i eat, alright? it’s a perfectly normal bite. i would make a great mukbang star!”

too busy coughing, jinyoung leans back against the sofa as he tries to get a hold of his laughter, which bubbles out of his stomach at first before it’s pressed behind his hands. helplessly, he leans over on his side. “you – you just looked like – _how_ – “

jaebeom sets his utensils down, unimpressed with how jinyoung is trying to control himself. he wipes sauce off of the corner of his mouth and shifts over toward jinyoung’s side, burrowing so that jinyoung is forced to sit up straight again. it accidentally leads jaebeom to discovering the hidden sweet spot jinyoung has, just underneath his ribs on his left side, and he gasps and flinches away from jaebeom so quickly that he’s tumbling to the floor nearly half a meter away.

for a moment, they both look at each other, frozen. jaebeom in pleasant surprise, jinyoung in slow growing horror.

“oh,” jaebeom begins, _sotto voce_ , “you’re ticklish?”

“of course not,” jinyoung snaps, because he really isn’t – except for that _one spot_.

“i think you’re lying.”

“well i think you’re dumb,” jinyoung says, which sounds weak even to him. he barely has enough time to scramble up before jaebeom is trying to grasp the cuff of his sweatpants and tug him back down. jinyoung is quick, though, and manages to run behind the sofa as jaebeom scrambles to stand up. he’s never been gladder for all those years of dance backing up seemingly graceful limbs, jinyoung thinks. “hyung. let’s not be hasty, here.”

“you called me a big mouth, and for that you have to pay the price,” jaebeom says solemnly.

“i never said anything like that!”

“you thought it. probably.”

“no i didn’t – hey that’s _cheating_ – “ jinyoung swears and rushes away from jaebeom again, this time running around to grip the arm of the couch as jaebeom makes a mad grab for him.

he other shrugs, shoulders moving fluidly underneath the bulky weight of his shirt. “maybe i just want to see why you’re lying about being ticklish, jinyoungie.”

“i’m not lying, i’m really _not,_ ” he insists, feeling all the more childish the longer this stupid argument goes on. but jinyoung finds that he can’t bring himself to care, because jaebeom’s smile is infectious and he likes the way it makes him feel: weightless. the sweet term of endearment washes over him. “it just might be that one spo – _holy shit what was that_ – “ jinyoung swears and trips as something brushes against his ankle, sending tingles up his spine. he ends up jabbing his knee into the side of the sofa. abrupt pain shoots up his thigh and to his hip, and he crumples like a particularly pathetic leaf.

when jinyoung is still trying to get his bearings back on the floor, ignoring jaebeom’s worried queries about whether or not he’s okay, does he need an ice pack, crap did i accidentally kill you? jinyoung stares wide eyed into the lovely eyes of a gorgeous cat.

“oh,” he breathes, “look at you!”

the cat _meows_ , licking her paw before reaching out to lick jinyoung’s ankle, as if saying sorry. she – at least jinyoung thinks it’s a she – then trots over jinyoung’s legs, resting in his lap. her weight is warm and cozy, especially when she purrs and rubs her head against jinyoung’s stomach.

“that’s nora, my cat,” jaebeom introduces, crouching next to the both of them. jinyoung is too enthralled by how soft nora’s fur is to notice jaebeom looking a little sullen. “she’s usually not this nice. she doesn’t like strangers… nora, what the heck are you doing? have you forgotten your father already?”

nora _meows_ and nudges jinyoung’s palm.

“i think she likes me,” jinyoung says, elated. he reaches over to bring her close and squish her ears down, unable to quite help himself when it comes to cute animals. nora seems to like this as well, since all she does is _meow_ her approval again and quietly purr in jinyoung’s hands.

“what the fuck,” jaebeom says, incredulous.

“she’s cute,” jinyoung beams at him, which starts to disappear as soon as he notices how red jaebeom is getting. “hey, hyung, are you okay?” is he getting angry? based on what jinyoung’s heard from him in the last few minutes, jaebeom seems a bit overprotective of his cat. “are you pissed that nora likes me better than you?”

“what, no she doesn’t,” jaebeom immediately splutters, confirming one of jinyoung’s theories. but the redness spreads to his ears and then down to his neck, for some strange reason, until jaebeom sighs and reaches out to pinch jinyoung’s ear. he bats jaebeom’s hand away, annoyed. “i had some suspicions, but now i know why we get along so well. you’re pretty much a cat in human form.”

jinyoung squints at him. slowly, he says, “are you saying you have a… kitten kink? are you a furry?”

“ _what?_ ”

“hyung,” wide-eyed, jinyoung exaggerates reaching over to shield nora’s precious ears with one hand, the other placed on his chest as if he’s clutching imaginary pearls in scandalous horror. “don’t you think that’s a little too much?”

for a glorious moment, jaebeom just _stares_ , mouth agape. then he reaches for the spot underneath jinyoung’s ribs.

“okay okay _okayokayokay i give!_ ”

they end up slumped next to each other on the couch. jinyoung’s cheeks hurt from smiling too much. he feels sated from the food. boneless, in a way that reminds him oddly of sluggish summer days spent under leisurely sunshine hours where the only thing he had to worry about was the state of his sunscreen. it’s the same feeling of freedom that comes with no responsibilities, just open air. a different kind of freedom, even though he’s stuck between a couple of walls.

jaebeom doesn’t move from his spot, even as the tv ends up playing some random drama that jinyoung remembers airing a couple years back. the only reason why he still does is because the main lead in this drama had been a side character in a show jinyoung had starred in, and it had grinded his gears back then. he watched the whole thing out of pettiness and a deep, deep hurt.

but that feeling has long since dissipated. it might be the reason why he muses out loud, “sometimes i wonder why i’m an actor.”

jinyoung doesn’t have to look over to know that jaebeom has turned to look at him. there’s a hiss of the heater that begins to warm up the room, jaebeom’s flickering yellow light overhead, and the nora’s purring that takes up all of jinyoung’s attention. yet, somehow, he’s still acutely aware of the way jaebeom is breathing, slow and easy, like being around jinyoung is just that relaxing for him.

“i thought you always wanted to be an actor.”

he hums. “no. at first, i wanted to be a singer. i used to travel an hour and a half from my house to go to dancing lessons every day after school. my parents hated it – they didn’t know why i loved it so much, especially since no one else in my family showed interest in stuff like that. my dad is a lawyer. my older sister is a doctor, and my other older sister works in finance. but i did love it. i loved it a whole lot, enough to skip my _hagwon_ and use the money to pay for those classes. i was in so much trouble when i got found out,” jinyoung laughs thinking back on it now; a small, twelve year old boy going on a bus at nearly 9pm at night. of course someone would notice and be worried. it’s a wonder he hadn’t been kidnapped at that point. “but after a while they realized that if they tried to hold me back, i would only try harder to get what i want.”

jaebeom huffs out a small laugh, like he can see twelve-year-old jinyoung being a little shit too. “how old were you when you auditioned?”

“it might have been ten years ago now. during the super-move – “

“ – grand dance finale?” jaebeom finishes, suddenly straightening.

jinyoung pauses from where he’s been stroking nora’s fur. “yeah. how did you know that?”

“because _i_ was in that show,” jaebeom says, insistent with disbelief. “how the hell did we miss each other? wouldn’t we have been in the same age group? _wait_ , you were – _junior?_ ”

jinyoung jerks. “ _ugh_. don’t call me that.”

“holy shit,” jaebeom breathes, falling back onto the couch in a laugh. it trails off into the open air, and jinyoung notices that jaebeom is suddenly closer to him, enough that he feels the heat coming off of the elder. “that’s insane. i remembered a kid who had the same name as our president, but everyone called him junior. you’re a phenomenal dancer.”

“ _was_ ,” jinyoung corrects quietly. he shrugs, purposefully not meeting jaebeom’s eyes. “i haven’t danced much since.”

“hey,” the other waits until jinyoung has given him the attention he wants before continuing on. “if you were as good of a dancer as everyone – and i literally mean _everyone_ – thought you were, then i bet you’re still just as good, even if you’re rusty. that’s the kind of thing that never leaves you, you know? it sticks around in your bones. i used to b-boy a lot and my knees remind me about it every time it rains.”

jinyoung’s eyes flicker down. “injury?”

to this, jaebeom doesn’t answer right away, which is strange. for most of the times they’ve talked together, jaebeom hasn’t spent much time considering his words the way jinyoung does, even though what he says is usually measured out and mature. he’s the kind of person who thinks about these things in his free time, so even when he’s placed in the moment he has to speak about his own issues, jaebeom always has something to say that is well thought out.

jinyoung sees another side of him now. it’s burgeoned on by the way jaebeom stretches whenever he can, his body loose limbed and easily placed next to jinyoung, and how he stares up at the ceiling as if waiting for something to drop down from the sky.

“some injuries,” the other chuckles, a hand through his hair. he runs a palm down the side of his face absentmindedly, scratching through the scruff that’s beginning to form. “some bad decisions. i used to think that b-boying was my dream, and that i had to chase after my dreams with everything i had. i guess you know better than anyone that sometimes it just doesn’t work out.”

“yeah,” jinyoung says, morose, reaching out to place nora between them. despite her favor toward jinyoung, she seems to understand that her owner is in a mood and goes to snuggle up against him. jinyoung is hit with a sudden urge to do the same. instead, he wraps his arms around his knees, settling his chin on top of them. “i like acting. i mean, i really like it. i wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t fun, and if i didn’t find myself enjoying it. i like acting in dramas. there’s something cool about being another person for a while, experiencing their emotions.”

“i can’t act for the life of me,” jaebeom huffs, running a thumb over nora’s head.

jinyoung turns to him. “you do pretty well on _we got married_.”

“that’s not acting.”

jinyoung’s heart skips multiple beats, rushing over each other as if they’re trying to reach a finish line. it calms down substantially when jaebeom says, “you’re so easy to get along with. i don’t know why… even some of my close friends, like mark and youngjae – i’ve never gotten as close to them as i have with you.” jaebeom looks befuddled about it himself. “i tell you things i would never tell them.”

it must be how quiet jaebeom’s house is, jinyoung thinks, because there’s no other reason why he blurts out, “me too?” in a half-breathy, half questioning tone. jinyoung meets jaebeom’s eyes and suddenly they’re cracking smiles.

“but hearing that i’m easy to get along with is a first,” jinyoung admits. “i’ve been told that i’m... closed off.”

specifically: from jackson’s friends, wonpil’s friends, basically anyone that has tried to talk to him for something deeper than a couple of drinks in the past few years. jinyoung is kind, reserved but friendly, so it’s not like they dislike his presence. it’s just… he’s not the one they come to when there’s something serious going on. he never has been, unless it’s for jackson and wonpil themselves.

jaebeom’s hum of disagreement brings him out of his self-pitying thoughts. jinyoung has been falling into that hole more and more often these days. “i don’t think so. i think you’re a little shy.”

“shy? _me?_ ”

“maybe not the way that most people think when they hear the word ‘shy’,” he teases, straightening up. nora yowls and raises her pretty nose at jaebeom’s sudden movement, who rushes to soothe her. “but i think you’re shy about showing how you really feel. the kind of person who looks at the people close to them and feels a lot, who supports his friends from the sides but is always uncomfortable with the spotlight themselves even if they joke about it. the kind of person who hides when they laugh.”

the roaring thunder of his heartbeat is loud and insistent in his ears, again. jinyoung feels as though they’re underwater, and he’s seeing jaebeom through distorted lenses. the more he hears about jaebeom talking about him, so obviously pointing out things about him that he didn’t think _anyone_ noticed, his husky voice laced with fondness, the more jinyoung sinks into the coach. he wants to curl up with a pillow around his middle, as if protecting a vulnerable underbelly.

“you’re… really observational,” he says in a deceptively even voice, unable to do much else. jaebeom also looks a little confused and a bit embarrassed at how long he had gone on about what he gleaned from jinyoung’s personality.

“y-yeah, but,” jaebeom clears his throat, pinkening a little, “i don’t think you’re hard to get along with. i think you’re shy, and there’s nothing wrong with that. me?” he laughs a little, but it’s not a nice one. it’s laced with a familiar brand of self-depreciating that sends jinyoung’s stomach sinking. “ _i’m_ the one that’s hard to get along with. every day i’m surprised someone like you can stand being fake married to me.”

“hyung,” jinyoung starts, startled, “what are you even _saying?_ ”

jaebeom shrugs, but he won’t look jinyoung in the eye. “i used to be known in the trainee apartments as _the beast_. not a lot of people wanted to talk to me because i lose my temper so fucking easily. anything would set me off, and – i don’t know, it was like something in me switched. i would yell, scream, throw things around, get violent, i just… i was snappy and rude. impatient and young.” jaebeom crouches down to bury his face in nora’s fur. like this, he seems like he, too, is hiding.

the image that he’s painting for himself is so _unlike_ the jaebeom jinyoung knows now that he can’t help but boggle, pressing his lips together. impatient? maybe sometimes, jinyoung thinks, there are flashes that have told him so, and jaebeom _does_ do impulsive things, and - he is a little loud sometimes. but jinyoung has never seen him truly yell, or throw tantrums, or even get more than slightly irritated when things go wrong on set, for example – when their juniors make fun of him on their group chat – when jinyoung teases him a bit too much.

“my friend, mark,” jaebeom starts, “he really snapped me out of it. he was the eldest in our trainee dorms and he threatened to go tell the directors on me, that i was volatile and uncontrollable, if i didn’t tone it down. i won’t lie, it hurt. he was the person closest to me at that time, and he just…”

his voice sounds so small, so quiet, like a wounded animal. jinyoung can’t help how he shuffles closer, tugging at jaebeom’s arm and pulling him into a side hug, pressing their cheeks together in silent affection.

“we’re still close,” jaebeom says quietly, “just not as much as we could have been. i still have to … “ he trails off for a moment, inhaling sharply. “i still have to go to a therapist to manage my anger.”

the brutally honest admission aches something deep inside of jinyoung. he presses his lips together, wanting to say _sometimes i need to sink into sleep to forget about how lonely i feel_ or _i look at myself in the mirror and i want to scream_ and _i still have to go to a therapist to manage my sadness_. he doesn’t say any of these things.

“it’s working,” jinyoung replies. “whatever you’re doing to help yourself, hyung. it’s working. i’ve never seen you like that.”

jaebeom laughs. “i mean – if we’re being honest, i was really angry at first, that day that we began filming. but then you walked in and stared at the menu for ages, so confused that it was funny. i realized that we were just stuck in this together, what use was it getting mad at you? i’d just be angry at the wrong person, and that would make both of us miserable. i still am angry, it’s just… i know how to control it better, and not lash out against the wrong people.”

jinyoung allows himself to slip until he’s resting against jaebeom’s shoulder again, reaching out to gently play with nora. she’s cooped up and content in jaebeom’s arms, pawing at jinyoung’s fingers.

“for what it’s worth,” jaebeom starts, “i’m glad that i got you out of the deal. i didn’t realize i was gonna spill so much of my life tonight,” he snorts. 

“i just have one of those faces,” jinyoung wrinkles his nose, waiting to hear jaebeom snicker a little in response before he says, “i think it’s commendable that you’re working at your own anger. i can’t say anything about how you were as a trainee, since i didn’t know you then, but the jaebeom-hyung i know now is a man who recognizes his shortcomings. he realizes that some of the things he does hurts other people, so he tries his best to stop before it actually does. he thinks about other people before he thinks about himself.” jinyoung turns to look at him. “why would i mind being fake-married to you?”

this is another expression jinyoung has never seen on jaebeom, and he categorizes it accordingly; the open, painful look of someone who is lost. like a little boy that can’t find their friends on the playground. jaebeom is so close, just like the time at the beach, that jinyoung can count every mole on his skin. for a moment, as the water in his ears threaten to rush up and consume him, jinyoung considers just… moving a little bit closer, pressing his mouth against jaebeom’s. would it be as warm as jaebeom’s laughter is? would he lick into the seam of jinyoung’s mouth, trace over the shape of his mouth, insist for _more,_ dig in deeper, find home in between the open spaces of jinyoung’s ribs?

(would he realize that jinyoung would let him?)

nora jumps off of jaebeom’s lap abruptly, leading both of them to change their focus to where she’s lapping up water from a small yellow bowl. jinyoung laughs. “maybe she’s telling us that we should keep eating before the food gets cold.” despite that, jinyoung doesn’t sink back down to the floor to finish his food.

“it tastes good cold, too,” jaebeom says wryly. but he doesn’t make a move to get up, either.


End file.
